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Specialists in Coarse Insults

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs has a new get rich quick scheme. "Pupel ur uvin tu go up tu sum free-eyed frek in Freaktun to lurn ow tu unsult pepul. We shud teach um ere in tha Ole. Thur bound tu wunt tu cum. Squats ur wull knun fur thur cluvur tulk."

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs "Stunds tu resun relly, uvrywun nows squats ur thu cluvrust race wot ur best ut uvrythun. Ul it neds iz un ustute busnus squat to run it," and Biggs believes himself to be that 'astute business squat'.

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs sets up a sign that he's got Cecil Two-Heads to write for him. "CURS UNSULTS TURT ERE!" He doesn't have long to wait. Kripke, a robot interested in trying to understand the non-metal population is passing through.

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs' sign catches Kripke's attention. Perhaps he could learn something about the squats from this. He estimates probabilities and error margins then runs a quick cost/benefit projection. It's worth a try.

Oh Kripke. Maybe your probability estimates were poorly computed? We shall see. Kripke approaches Biggs. "HELLO. MAY I PURCHASE A LESSON FROM YOU."

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs isn't quite sure what 'purchase' means, but he gets the general drift. After taking a rather excessive amount of req from the robot, he starts the lesson.

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs "Roit. Wotz yer name thun?" "IS THIS A COURSE INSULT, TO ASK SOMEONE WHAT THEIR NAME IS?" asks a confused Kripke. "MY DATABASE STATES THAT THAT WAS A CHARACTERISTIC OF FRIENDSHIP."

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs is now also confused. "Wot? Nu nu, I wuz just askin loik. Wull nuvur mund, luts sturt wiv a unsult thun. Troi Fack urf, yer dick'ead." "HOW DOES ONE FUCK OFF YOU DICKHEAD? WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs "Yuz sez it innit? Thutz a curs unsult loik. Sez it." "THAT IS ILLOGICAL. YOUR HEAD IS NOT A DICK, IT IS A HEAD." "Nah nah yer pranny, itz u unsult loik innit? Cullin sumun a dick'ead uz un unsult."

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs listens as the robot tries his first course insult. "FUCK OFF YOU DICKHEAD."

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs automatic responses kick in. He is outraged. "Oo ur yu cullin a dick'ead yer fackin metal eaded fackwutted shite fur brens?" "BUT YOU SAID..." "Dunt yer cum cullin me uh dick'ead! Uz u squat! Show some respect!"

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs decides to teach the robot a lesson, and not about course insults either, although these are in fact included. Thump. "Tuk thut yu wunkur!" "BUT...BUT..." Crack. "Dunt yu thunk yu cun cum rund ere cullin uz dickeads yu pox riden metal ead"

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs gets stuck in and incidently gives Kripke's damage sensors a thorough testing along the way. Kick. Wallop. "OW.OW. STOP HITTING ME. YOU'RE DAMAGING ME." "Oil dumuge ya a fack site mur uz wull uf yu cum ere shutin yer muth uff ut uz squats!"

Citizen Cantankerous Biggs finally stops administering his kicking and storms off to Booz for a well desrved pint, leaving Kripke wandering what happened and trying to digest the lesson. He has learnt one valuable thing. Don't buy lessons in crude insults from squats.


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coarse_insult_lessons.txt · Last modified: 2017/05/28 03:34 (external edit)