Lah de dah.
Lah de dah indeed. That bloody Bernard. 'e can't get by without his tumbler being filled, or 'is tea nice and hot, or 'is bed turned down.
Quite how 'e persuaded Mountjoy to leave CDAG, will possibly never be known. Bruce and Lilith, perhaps not so 'ard to understand.
Anyway, you probably want to know about the
three FOUR FIVE SIX FFS of 'em? Oh, 'ave I got tales to tell you!
What do you mean 'ave I?'
Are you taking the Mickey?
Oh, right.. . Well, here goes.
E's the butler. 'as a lazy eye and a bit of an 'unch. Generally that hunch is about the younger clan members' moral turpitude. His heart is in the right place however, although it is moved between the cellars and the kitchens depending on whether the cellars are flooding again.
He's generally considered to be a vampire or something. 'E takes responsibility for clan hall security (i.e. clouting young GERM students rolling at "What time do you call this Mr. .?"), 'e ensures young clan members shoes are polished, stops 'em running in the corridors, he helps older clan members with their ties and all that. Hobbies? Slopping soup down female clan members' dresses during banquets.
Has a long and proud history within CDAG, he does. Well, I say 'proud' I mean 'shady', but it sure was 'long'. Rumour has it he's forgotten how many clan leaders he's been through. Seen off.. . I mean served.
Now? Well, some'ow he's been transported off to this new clan in the Bingo 'all. They say they've let 'im loose with a tin of paint again.
And the cook?
'E is the cook. A noted alcoholic. Works regular 20 hour days preparing huge menus and a constant stream of snacks. Loves to chat about herbal teas. Possesses a wide variety of shampoos with obscure names and even more mysterious uses.
A snapshot of one of Bruce's menus :
Sardines on Toast,
Coffee & Chocolate,
Bread & Butter,
Sautee of Kidneys,
Rolled Ox Tongue,,
Macaroni Au Gratin,
Hot Potato Scones,
Bread and Butter,
and the chambermaid? Well, rumour 'as it that 'e offered 'er a promotion to come along.. .
She's now the clan receptionist. With responsibility for lewdly propositioning young GERM applicants. Also: making them feel a little ill with her chronic body odour.
Anyone who applies, 'as to get past 'er. And she's an 'arridan. If she likes the look of 'em, she pinches their arse and whistles like a steamin' kettle as they walk past. If she doesn't, well, they don't get past 'er reception desk.
While not a true staff member, Granny is almost in a symbiotic state with the Bingo Hall, so we don't dare kicking her out. . . and she makes nice sweaters.
She was there even before we moved in; was probably part of the staff of the clans that inhabited the place, or member of said clans herself. It's hard to trace how long she's been there, as her stories are often hard to follow chronologically. She was sitting in one of the dark hallways, in her rocking chair and with her knitting tools beside. Is still there, or at another turn.
She's often sleeping, or she's faking it pretty well. . .
The newest member of the team2), he
tends bar looks after the perfectly nondescript cloakroom in the Bingo Hall. Not only is he the nicest man on the Island (TM) but he's also one of the most famous actors of his generation. Why he's stuck in the Bingo Hall, only Bernard and the rest of the gang know. Some think it was kidnap. Others blackmail.
Whisplaw, is the new clan administrator, clerk and chief officer of the exchequer. 3) He carries out the functions of a grand vizier, but on a. .. Hang on. .. What's he doing with GERM? He hates Mountjoy with a passion, and Mountjoy hates him. That's a recipe for disaster!
Whisplaw is currently AWOL. Who knows what's happened to 'im.4)
The <GERM> Clan hatstand. Can be found in the Main Hall of Dunbernarding. Please leave your hats, coats, cloaks, jerkins, capes, chapeaux, headdress, helm, jacket, blouson, cap, fedorah and UNDERPANTS on him please. He loves it. The dirty beast.
Are you a go-getting team player, with a qualification in Geography and an overarching yearning to bully out-of-shape clan members? Do you want to join a rapidly expanding organisation with excellent career prospects and a fantastic array of benefits? If so, please send Marly a distraction inclosing a brief CV and a thrusting covering letter. We are an equal opportunities employer, but draw the line at midgets. And Americans.
Are you a go-getting team player, with an anal attention to detail and your own set of dusters to ensure cleanliness is put before godliness for a group of clan members whose sole aim in life seems to be the pursuit of moral turpitude? Do you want to join a rapidly expanding organisation with excellent career prospects and a fantastic array of benefits? If so, please send Marly a distraction inclosing a brief CV and a thrusting covering letter. We are an equal opportunities employer, but draw the line at midgets. And Americans.