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A camera pans on a pair of midgets, resting on a rusted car in Squathole. They had just taken out a horde of monsters.

'Neva gets ol', eh?'

'Aye.'

'Kinda makes ya wanna-'

'Break int'a song?'

The first Squat raises an eyebrow for a second. He then lifts his hand and smacks the second Squat in the back of the head.

'Wat th' FOOK are ya talkin' about, ya fook'n idget?! I was gonna say 'goin t' Julia's fo' a fook.'

'Don' call me a idget, ya shitehead!'

'Who you callin' a shitehead, ya fookin-'

Let's try another camera, shall we? A scene of the scrapheap known as CyberCity404 comes into view, with two robots working on various screws on their person.

The first robot beeps, [INQUIRY: DO YOU KNOW WHAT I ENJOY IMMENSELY?]

The second robot replies, loudly, [STATEMENT: PLEASURE IS A BIOLOGICAL FUNCTION MECHANINCAL UNITS ARE UNABLE TO EMIT SUCH FUNCTIONS ERROR ERROR ER-]

You know what they say: third time's the charm.

'BRAAAAAAAAAINS!'

Fourth time's the charm.

Ah, here we go. A scene of two humans, a male and female, resting in one of the quiet fields scattered around the island. The male looks a little wet behind the ears while the female has more muscles and battle scars. The woman turns to the man.

'So how was your first day in the Jungle?'

'Exhausting, and bloody scary. How the hell do you do this every day?'

The woman laughs. 'You get used to it. But trust me, boy, you'll love it here.'

The man headtilts. 'You actually like it here?'

The woman chuckles. 'What's not to like?' She then looks out at the grassy field and sings the first two lines, cameras changing to view other contestants.1)


I love this Island
I love the peaceful plains
I love the nudity
BRAAA-AAA-AAAA-AAINS!2)
I love old Audrey
And all her cats and hogs

BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada

I love the Kittymorphs
I love Mighty Magpies
I love the big hats
I love when grenades fly
I love Dan and his quests
No sorry that's a lie

BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada

I love the Rookies
I love those Joker Blokes
I love the Midgets
That love t' fook and smoke
I love the Watcher
And all her charm and wit3)4)

BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada

I love the chainsaws
I love the Old Chapel
I love the monsters
[LOVE IS ILLOGICAL]5)
I love the Mutants
And all their limbs and slime

BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada

I love that Stonehenge
I love to fight the rakes
I love the Rat Packs
I love a twitching steak
I love Horatio
And having tea with him6)7)

BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada

I love the Titans
I love the Mutant Steaks
I love the Crate Drops
I love one-shot DKs
I love the Island
It's such a fucked-up place.

BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada
BoomdeyadaBoomdeyada8)

2) Note to the cameramen: quit going to New Pittsburgh for singing abilities
3) This was a paid public announcement.
4) Not so much 'paid' as 'threatened', actually.
5) Seriously, guys, use your heads.
6) I can hear my English teacher from high school crying about the lack of parallelism in this line. "And having tea with him" probably works better.
7) picky picky picky
8) :D:D:D <3<3<3
 
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i_love_the_island.txt · Last modified: 2017/05/28 03:35 (external edit)