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The Kidnapping of Impudencia Skronky

In the back room of the Zombie Goat - Port Foley

Misanthropy McThugger has been hatching plans. "Wev bin idin in thu wuldernuss fur too lung. Thum duckuds the Skronkys, suttin thur laffin ut uz! Wez gutta hit back."

Vulgaris McThugger "Wot yu gut in mind ma? Try und hit the cig delivery agin?1) Dud it wunce, cun du it agin."

Misanthropy McThugger "Naw, we gut tu du summat ulse. We gutta hit um hurd. Uv bin thunkin, und oi gut a plun. We it thu family. Ere's the plun." The McThuggers huddle together to listen.

Squat Hole

Two identical looking Squats casually stroll down Shopliftin' Avenue whistling tunelessly. They stop and loiter around outside of K&S.

Impudencia Skronky has been working hard in K&S all morning, but now there are other matters that require her attention. An important Squat like Impudencia can't be kept in the kitchen all the time, that's for the likes of Sarky Williams the chef.

Bilge and Belch McThugger are so busy trying to look casual and blend in with the crowd that they fail to notice Impudencia leave. This is a great pity, because the whole point of them being there is to keep an eye on her.

Suddenly, Carious McThugger, along with Opprobrium and Curmudgeon McThugger and several other Squats, rush out of stench alley where they've been hiding, and storm into K&S where several Squats are having lunch. This precipitates a fight.

Opprobrium McThugger stays with the hench Squats to fight off opposition in the main shop while Carious and Curmudgeon force their way into the kitchen. Carious pulls out a large sack as she goes.

Carious and Curmudgeon McThugger have a job on their hands. Sarky Williams can put up a fight if need be, but he's outnumbered, and soon he's stuffed into the sack.

Carious and Curmudgeon McThugger drag Sarky in the sack back out of the kitchen. "Wuv gut er, luts gut oot uv ere!" The invading Squats make a fighting withdrawal from the cafe. Before they go, Curmudgeon throws a sheet of paper on a table.

Curmudgeon McThugger's piece of paper has a message on it. "Wiv gut Impudencia!" the message reads "Gis back Booz, und gis K&S und Julia's ulse Impudencia guts a soapy bath!" Then there is a signature. "McThuggers"

The McThuggers have brought off a well planed and well executed kidnapping. Well, almost, they've got the wrong Squat, but apart from that minor detail, perfect.

Citizen Thor Thafrij grins from within the dustbin where he had been sleeping. Awake only seconds and there's a scrap going on.

Later that day, in Big Su's Office, Squat Hole

Later the same day, the Skronkys are debating the implications of the attack on K&S.

Big Su Skronky "Thus uz bad! The McThuggers ur buck, und they've gut Impudencia."

Julia Skronky "Naw ma! Thuy uvunt gut Imp! Wot yu say thuv gut Imp fur?"

Big Su Skronky rounds on her. "Um sayin it coz thuy say it! Ere loik!" she waves the ransom note that the McThuggers have left behind as proof. "Why ur yu sayin that they aint gut Imp whun thuy've tuld uz thuy av? Yu sayin Cecil cant read?"

Big Su Skronky looks for support to Cecil Twoheads, the Skronkys mutant, used for all reading and writing work. Cecil just silently nods his heads and tries to look as inconspicuous as possible, hoping to get away from this without being hit.

Impudencia Skronky "Shez fackin sayin it coz oi'm fackin stundin roit ere in frunt uv yu! Ow cun oi be gut uf oim stundin ere?"

Citizen Thor Thafrij re enters town dragging a damp sack that leaves a foul watery blood trail.

Big Su Skronky recognises that Impudencia has a good point, but doesn't like to be contradicted. It doesn't look good. Shows weakness. "Dunt yu use thut tone uv voice un me!" SLAP! "Uf oi say yur gut, thun yer gut! Qustyun iz, wot we gunna du abut it?"

Citizen Thor Thafrij heads for K&S, obviously.

Impudencia Skronky sees a customer heading for K&S. She can't leave this in the hands of Sarky Williams because the lazy good for nothing has disappeared. "Fackin bone idle thut Squat. Wait till oi gut moi ands un im."

Julia Skronky "Ma, Impy's ere! Thur she iz, guin uf to serve fud. She aint fackin gut, nut by thu McThuggers, nut by unywun! Shez ere! But summun tried tu get er. Av tu du summat abut thut."

Big Su Skronky sees a way round the important issue. "Yuh, summun troid tu get er. Thut's wot oi sud!" Cecil keeps quiet. "The McThuggers troid tu get er. S'wot oi sed loik. Yu wuzunt lustning." SLAP!.

Big Su Skronky, with face remaining intact, can now concentrate on the next important question. What to do. "Wot uf thuy cum buck agin? Praps we shud lay in wait or summat?"

Julia Skronky "Woi dunt we sut a trup fur em? Loik we dud wiv thu beard feefe. Thut wurked. Avunt ad any mur beards stulen since thun." Julia's interpretation of the word 'worked' is fairly broad.

Citizen Thor Thafrij doesn't want to interfere in family matters, but this is important. He calls into K&S, "Ere, I got some quality stuff for yer, heh? " he hefts the sack, "Las' critter I hacked up was crawlin' wiv gut worms. So that's like extra meat yeah ?"

Impudencia Skronky likes the idea of extra meat, but doesn't like the idea of paying out extra recker for it. "Extra meat? Yu fackin kiddin me? Fur thut?" she takes the sack and casts an expert eye over the contents.

Citizen Thor Thafrij points out the finer points, "See? Some of 'ems got shells, heh? Crunchy an' full o' fibers!"

Impudencia Skronky "Yur, but thuy eat tha fackin meat, dunt they? Luss meat un the munster!" she isn't at all sure about this logic, but it works in her favour so she's going with it. "Yu dunt wunt tu knaw sum uv thu orrors oiv seen un meet!"

Impudencia Skronky "Meat su cruwlin wiv wurms thut it ate the kebab, evun ufter oid deep froid it loik! Custumurs diddun loik it, sed thut thuy run away wiv thu kebab, cud thuy av anuver? I ad undluss prublums sayin no, und huttun thum tu make sur thuy understud."

Citizen Thor Thafrij thinks about this for a second, "Tell yer what, gi's usual price fer it, heh? But I want the sack back. It's me bed, see"

Impudencia Skronky considers the offer, and reluctantly decides that it's a fair one. "Ulroit thun." she carefully weighs the meat out, and then gives Thor the appropriate amount of recker for it.

Citizen Thor Thafrij watches worriedly, "Wring the sack out, heh ? The goo counts too, yer know..." He smiles at the accepted coins and turns toward Booz.

Impudencia Skronky goes back to her mother and grandmother to hear what has been decided.

Big Su Skronky "Su oiv cum up wiv uh plan. Thu McThuggers wull cum buck tu try tu gut yu agin. We'll be sut trups fur um, tu catch um wun thuy du." She turns to Julia, keen to assert her authority which has been questioned.

Big Su Skronky "Pity yu cant cum up wiv a plun loik thut eh?" SLAP! "Yu fackin useless lump. Dunt know woi we keep yu." SLAP!

Julia Skronky "Wot yu un aboot? Oi cum up wiv thut plun!" "Nu yu duddunt, utz moi plun! Yu cheeky fackin kuttycut yu" the Squats walk off and the bickering receds into the distance.

Back in the Zombie Goat, Port Foley

The McThuggers arrive back at the Zombie Goat, fresh from kidnapping Impudencia in Squat Hole.

Misanthropy McThugger is waiting for them. "Yu gut er thun?" Bilge McThugger answers her. "Yer grun. We gut er." he drops the sack that he's been carrying. "Ere she iz." The sack is opened to reveal Sarky Williams.

Misanthropy McThugger "Yer Impudencia Skronky? Yu dunt luk loik er!" "Me? Nah, oim nut er! Oim Sarky Williams! Oo suz oim Impudencia Skronky?"

Carious McThugger "Oi suz yur Impudencia Skronky! Thutz oo! We wunt to K&S, yu wuz wurkin thur. Yur Impudencia Skronky. Yu cullin me a liar?" "Naw! Nut cullin yu uh liar, jus sayin thut oim Sarky Williams. Oi wurkz in K&S duzzunt oi?"

Carious McThugger "Nah yer lyin facker yu! Yur Impudencia. Dunt yu lie tu me!" "Yu cullin me uh liar?" and Sarky launches himself at Carious, but is jumped on by four or five McThuggers before he can do any hurt.

Misanthropy McThugger comes to a decision. "Nah. This int Impudencia. Yu fackin duckuds gut thu wrong person!"

"Yur yu fackin duckuds! Yu listen tu er. She nuz wot shez un abat."

Misanthropy McThugger turns on Sarky. "Yu fackin shat up! Gatta thunk wot tu du now. Dunt need noise frum yu! Wun mur peep frum yu, and yur in thu bathtub." She points to a bath tub full of hot soapy water that has been prepared for torturing Impudencia with.

Misanthropy McThugger slaps a visibly shaken Sarky a few times for good measure, then goes off to plan. Sarky is meanwhile tied back in the sack and forgotten about.

The Next Day in Kebabs 'N' Shite

Impudencia Skronky is working in K&S. "Wur tha fack as Sarky gut tu? I int seen im in days! Ee buttur nut cum in ere wuntin is wages! Thuts ul oi cun say." However it's been a quiet day, not much work to be done anyway.

Impudencia Skronky frowns. It's been a bit too quiet. The kebab house is usually full of Squats having a kebab before going out mugging contestants, or after working distilling the takings of the Skronky Pot, or anyone of the other industries that Squat Hole supports.

Impudencia Skronky looks round. K&S is empty. No customers at all. Not one. Where is everybody? She becomes aware of a commotion going on outside, and takes a look to see what is going on.

Impudencia Skronky finds that Big Su's plan has been put into action. A large hole has been dug right outside the K&S front door. Designed to catch any would be kidnappers, the trap has in fact caught plenty of punters instead and is now full of fighting Squats.

Vagrant Iriri scowls, scraping something that looks awful off of his boot using a wall that looks worse, disregarding the shrill, squeaky voice of a local demanding 'compunsashin, like' for the use of his wall. The place has gone downhill. Again.

Sewage Skronky comes along, ignoring Iriri and instead looking at her kidnapper trap. "Fackin ell, thutz wurked wull! Luk ut ull thum kidnappers wiv caught. Jus thunk wot wud av appened tu yu uf we adunt dug thu trap."

Vagrant Iriri scowls at the implication that the ill-favoured little shack can be considered 'lakesoide prupperty', and glares at the illiterate approximation of a property deed scrawled on something he's almost certain isn't paper. But he doesn't pay.

Impudencia Skronky is unconvinced that Su has the correct interpretation of events. "Thurz urnt kidnuppers! Thurz ur payin punters! Tryin tu gut in tu buy fud uff uf uz! Yu tryin tu put me oot uv buznuz ur summat?"

Vagrant Iriri knows better, at this point, than to broadcast the fact he's got even a small amount of requisition on hand. He extricates himself from the dickering with a well-placed boot, striding off towards the Squat Hole 'commerical district'.

Sewage Skronky doesn't like being contradicted. "Thuz urnt custumurs, thuz ur McThuggers! Theyz cum tu git yu!"

Impudencia Skronky disagrees still. "Nuh thur fackin nut!" she looks in the hole at twenty plus Squats, most of whom have knocked each other out by now. "Thut uzunt thut muny McThuggers. Du yu recugnois uny uv um uz McThuggers?"

Vagrant Iriri thumbs a grubby, hand-rolled fag out of a shirt pocket, tucking it between his lips and lighting it with a snap of his fingers, a kelly-green spark. Squats milling around outside K&S, he observes. And looking downwards! Don't see that often.

Impudencia Skronky "Im thur. Eez nut uh McThugger. Eez Microcephalous James from the Chop Shop. Ee ullus cums in fur a pizza aboot nu. Ee aint kidnappin nobudy!"

Sewage Skronky "Wull wot aboot thut wun thun? Dunt recognois im, ee must be uh McThugger."

Impudencia Skronky "Nah eez fackin nut! Jus cuz yu dunt recognois im, dunt mean thut eez McThugger duzzit? Uthurwoiz thurd be fackin undreds of the fackers!"

Sewage Skronky "Yuz ee iz, und oi cun prove it! The McThuggers ullus av a tattoo uv uh zombie goat un thur arse. Itz loik thur badge see innit?"

Vagrant Iriri has sidled his way over, hands tucked insouciantly in pockets. He imagines if he slouches enough and keeps to the margins, he won't catch any attention.

Impudencia Skronky is too busy arguing to notice what any Jokers are doing. She knows of the famous McThugger tattoo as well as anybody. "Go un thun. Show uz is tat thun."

Big Su Skronky's bluff has been called. "Ulroit thun. Oi wull." First problem, how to get the suspected McThugger out of the hole? "Oi yu! Git oot thut ole und cum ere!" The Squat has already lost a fight, and couldn't get out if he were still conscious.

Vagrant Iriri murmurs helpfully, with a slow curl of smoke, "S'not much of a trap if they can leave once they fall in."

Big Su Skronky's traps are made to keep Squats in. The hole is deep. Almost four feet. Sewage sighs. "Yu stuy ere." she tells Impudencia. "Oil gu gut elp."

Impudencia Skronky has no intention of going anywhere. She notices the joker smoking the cigarette. She doesn't like to admit it, but the Joker has just made a sensible comment. That's just what she was thinking herself.

Impudencia Skronky sees possible custom. A joker who's as sensible as this must surely want to eat the best food on the Island, right? And that, of course, is K&S, with it's famous 'Litre of grease with every meal' guarentee. "Ullo. Wuz yu luckin fur a kebab loik?"

Vagrant Iriri is past being picky. "Mebbe a pizza," he remarks, offhand. He's still got some antacid he fished out of a medical pak he found half-torn, up in a tree. "Doesn't look like you're open, though."

Impudencia Skronky is delighted. Custom at last."Cuz wur upun. Jus gutta watch oot fur thut fackin ole intyu?" and edging her way round the 'kidnapper trap' she goes into K&S, carefully leaving the door wide open, and finds a pizza to deep fry.

Impudencia Skronky is trying to cultivate non-Squat custom, and so adds extra slices of rat on top, to make it extra special.

Vagrant Iriri takes a long, carefully-angled step into the establishment, avoiding a high-flung swipe at his ankles from the cursing pit of fellow patrons. "What did you dig the hole for, in the first place?" He measures the available seating with a look.

Vagrant Iriri elects to stand, wondering idly when the last time the place was cleaned.

Impudencia Skronky "Thut ole? Thutz er oidea, Su's. Utz munt tu catch McThuggers. She thunkz thut thur troin tu kidnap uz. Thuy cum und luft uh ransom note, but thuy duddunt kidnap uz furst, coz thur thick see? We dunt need thut fackin ole thur."

Impudencia Skronky would, if she could hear Iriri's thoughts, proudly tell him that K&S has never been cleaned. But she can't so she goes on about the McThuggers instead. "Uf thum fackers cam in ere, oi cud deal wiv em."

Vagrant Iriri blinks thoughtfully, his memory kicking in.. "They've got a tattoo of what on their arses?"

Impudencia Skronky "We duzzunt need no trap tu stup em. Uf thuy troid tu giv me greef, thun oid soon luttum know oo wuz boss, wuddunt oi? Thuy wuddunt now wot ad it em. Thud be un failboat in no time."

Impudencia Skronky "Tattoo uv a zombie goat un thur arses. Utz loik thur secrut badge loik. Buck wun thuy wuz mismanagin thu Ole, thuy wuddunt lut unybudy else av tattoo loik thut. Uv curs, nu wev kucked um oot, nobudy wunts tattoo loik thut unymur."

Vagrant Iriri scrubs thoughtfully at the few-day's growth on his jaw. "Have you got the folks at Julia's lookin' out for those tattoos? Get a lot of bare arses passin' through."

Impudencia Skronky remarks "Thuy used tu run thu Ole. Badly. Ul thuy uvur dud wuz full thur un pockets." Blythly forgetting that that's exactly what the Skronkys do. "Rumur az it, thuy uvun clened thu pipes in Booz!" This is clearly regarded as a Bad Thing.

Impudencia Skronky is caught by Iriri's comment. "Gut Julia tu gut er staff tu chuck arses fur zombie goat tattoos? Thutz nut a bud idea! Oi loik it!" she can't wait for Su to get back so that she can expound 'her' great idea.

Vagrant Iriri gasps, as appropriate. "The bastards. Ruins the taste, doin' that." Privately, he considers the thought of the Squat swill not just being disgusting, but outright poisonous.

Impudencia Skronky nods her head. "Yus. Thutz thu surt uv bastards thut they were. Thutz why we ad tu gut rid uv um. Thur wuz ruvulutian. Sewage led ut. Uvrywun cheered. Wez eros, uz Skronkys." Not quite how it happened.

Big Su Skronky arrives back with some Skronky Pot Protector Society members to help her, and also some rope. "Roit. Yu gut dun thur und brung oot thut Squat thur." she orders Rumbunctious Taylor, then kicks him in the hole to make sure.

Vagrant Iriri cranes his head out the door to watch, while he waits for his gourmet fare.

Big Su Skronky supervises Rumbunctious and the other SPPS members as they throw down a rope to pull Rumb out together with the Squat gathered up, Foetid Robson. "Roit nu wull av thu truf uv it. Lutz see is arse."

Impudencia Skronky has finished cooking the pizza. Nice and hot, and dripping with grease. "Cum un get it! Wotz appnin oot thur nu?" She sees that Sewage has returned. "Ah thur yu ur. Oi wuz wundrin when yu wud show up."

Vagrant Iriri grins widely, anticipating quite a show. It is the work of a few moments to grab the pizza, munching away at it while he watches. Best not to think too hard about that crunchy bit. Or that rubbery one.

Big Su Skronky "Yer cheeky munkey yu! Curse oim ere. Nu luck ut thus." she grabs Foetid's trousers and pulls down. "Thur...wot tha fack!" no tattoo of a zombie goat, or indeed anything else. "Wurz it gun? Wur yu fackin hidin it?"

Impudencia Skronky "Thur! Oi tuld yu duddun oi? Thutz nut uh McThugger! Thutz uh onest, ard wurkin Squat tryin tu cum in ere fur uh gud nutritious, nourishin meal. Tryin tu giv me is recker, und YU stupped im!"

Vagrant Iriri grins to himself impishly. "Ought to figure out a trap that pulls their trousers down, so you can be sure."

Big Su Skronky takes out her frustration on the hapless Foetid, KICK. "Wurz yur tat thun? Wurz yu idin it?" KICK "Wot tat? Wot yu un aboot?" "Dunt yu play stoopid wiv me! Yer zombie goat tattoo!"

Big Su Skronky "Oi nose yerv gut wun, yer a McThugger! Wurz yer tat?" "Oi aint gut no zombie goat tat! Oi gut a star frum Petra, but oi aint gut no zombie goat tat! Oim nut a McThugger!"

Big Su Skronky kicks Foetid to one side. "Wull ee gut in thur by mistook. Uthurz ur McThuggers though." she sets the SPPS members to work pulling another Squat out of the hole. "Roit lutz luck ut thus wun thun." Smegma Bailey this time.

Vagrant Iriri watches the proceedings to take his mind off of the various things that would unsettle him about his pizza. "Bet this one's a McThuggers."

Enquiring Shi scrabbles at the outpost wall. because if you're after harmful substances, Squat Hole is the only place to look.

Citizen Thor Thafrij saunters into town, and pauses aghast at the commotion. He only came to get fresh quality crap for his stick

Big Su Skronky discovers that Smegma has no tat either. "Yu int gut now zombie goat tat un yer arse eiver. Wotz appnin ere? Wurz ull thu kudnuppurz gun?" It transpires that none of the other Squats in the hole have the appropriate tats either.

Enquiring Shi peeks over the wall, and blinks owlishly at a series of exposed Squat rumps. She makes a note on the clipboard.

Citizen Thor Thafrij can't hear what is going on. All he is aware of is Squats being dragged out of a hole and forcibly having their arses examined. He eyes the gates nervously

Enquiring Shi giggles, swinging her legs as she attempts a diagram. Science.

Impudencia Skronky "Thur. Wot dud oi tull yer? Thurs nut McThuggers! Thurs punters! Und yer stuppin um givin me thur recker! Yu und yer stupid "kudnuppur trap!" It duddunt du unythin uv thu surt! Oim nut gunna git kudnuppud by McThuggers, oim tellin yer!"

Sewage Skronky doesn't have anything else to say, so she storms off in a huff. Woe betide the next Squat who gets in her way.

Vagrant Iriri is upstanding enough to pay the full amount for his pizza, wiping grease-stained fingers on a kerchief (that is later disposed of) and fishing in his pocket for the req.

Impudencia Skronky starts directing the still present SPPS members to fill the hole in with some of the assorted junk that's lying around. She doesn't want a hole stopping patrons getting into K&S. Instead she gets an ankle breaking death trap.

Impudencia Skronky takes Iriri's payment, and starts preparing for the rush of hungry Squats that will doubtless start coming in through the door of K&S.

Citizen Thor Thafrij carefully edges around the half filled pit with another sackful of dodgy meat

Vagrant Iriri stumbles out, fighting down feelings of illness. He's a joker, dammit, he could eat PVC piping if it was properly prepared and served with tea! Some pizza is certainly edible, no matter its provenance.

The Next Day - Squat Hole Again

Sewage Skronky is pulling out all the stops watching out for the McThuggers, should they make another attempt at kidnapping Impudencia. She congratulates herself on her brilliant idea of having Julia keep an eye on all her punters arses.

Julia Skronky and her workers are looking for any arses that have tattoos of zombie goats on them, that being the well known symbol of the McThuggers. Also, Sewage has set a permanent guard outside of K&S.

Sewage Skronky's guards are stopping everybody going into K&S and checking their arses for zombie goat tattoos. So far, this has drawn a blank, but Sewage knows that it's only a matter of time.

Sewage Skronky fails to notice two identical Squats casually sauntering down the opposite side of Shopliftin' Avenue to K&S, whistling tunelessly and trying to look inconspicuous.

Returning Contestant Theodosia walks happily into Squat hole.

Impudencia Skronky is busy working in K&S. Sarky Williams is still missing presumed bone idle, and so Impudencia is having to do the cooking until she can train another Squat up. Luckily there have been no complaints. Impudencia is a good cook.

Impudencia Skronky's cooking has in fact been causing upset amongst the Squats, but nobody's brave enough to complain to her face. Sarky was a highly trained chef, trained by Maiko. Even if he was her worst ever pupil, Impudencia is worse still.

Impudencia Skronky is just putting another kebab in the deep frier when there's a sudden crash behind her.

Opprobrium McThugger leads a gang of his tribe's Squats in through the window. The long awaited kidnapping attempt is happening! A pot of cutlery gets kicked all over the floor.

Returning Contestant Theodosia watches intrigued

Impudencia Skronky grabs a frying pan and takes a swing at Opprobrium, who jumps back, knocking Bilge McThugger into the counter which has a pile of sliced sausage for the pizza. This goes flying all over the floor.

Returning Contestant Theodosia pries open a window to have a better look.

Curmudgeon McThugger is just coming in and kicks Bilge out of the way, so she can get a better line of attack on Impudencia. Impudencia swings again, and this time Opprobrium is knocked over.

Returning Contestant Theodosia cheers as he climbs in the window, preparing to take advantage of the situation.

Impudencia Skronky puts up a good fight. Belch McThugger is knocked into the fat frier which will add an interesting aftertaste to the pizza for months to come, Vulgaris McThugger almost gets sliced like a sausage herself.

Returning Contestant Theodosia scampers across the floor, picking up spilt food as he goes.

Impudencia Skronky is throwing pots, pans, and anything else she can grab. Thwack, a carving knife hits a window sill. However it hasn't been sharpened in months and is blunt as a butter knife.

Bilge McThugger has picked herself up and is trying to rejoin the fray, but crashes into the food foraging zombie instead. Opprobrium tries to make his way round behind Impudencia, no easy task in this confined space.

Returning Contestant Theodosia is caught off-guard by Bilge and drops all his food, when he gets back to his knees he throws his foot at her.

Carious McThugger has just managed to gain entry. She immediately slips up on some stray crap meat and fat that hadn't been cleaned up from last month. Bilge is hit by a flying foot.

Returning Contestant Theodosia grins and begins to crawl toward the kitchen, pausing only to make sure no-one else is running at him.

Impudencia Skronky is jumped from behind by Opprobrium and goes down with a crash. Belch manages to extract herself from the frier, although her left arm is now battered and fried.

Impudencia Skronky put up a good fight, but she was outnumbered and outmaneuvered by the McThuggers. She is last seen being stuffed in a sack and dragged out of the window.

Returning Contestant Theodosia starts filling his pack with food, hoping the Squats won't come back before he has all he wants.

Returning Contestant Theodosia wanders off with a pack and belly full of food.

Big Su's Office

Sewage Skronky is satisfied that the anti kidnapping precautions placed on K&S are working. The guards out the front are still checking everybody's arses before they go in. No zombie goat tattoos have been found.

Impudencia Skronky has been staying quietly in K&S, which is more than Sewage expected. Everything has been going well.

Big Su Skronky decides to go into K&S and lord it over Impudencia about how well her precautions are working. When she gets inside, she is shocked by what she finds.

Impudencia Skronky isn't in K&S at all! The place is full of Squats eating free food. The till is empty. In the kitchen, there are signs of a struggle and the window is broken. Even more broken than usual.

Sewage Skronky uses all her prodigous powers of Sherlock Holmes style deduction, and you don't become head of Squat Hole's leading family without those, and comes to a conclusion. The McThuggers have broken in afterall. Impudencia has been kidnapped!

Sewage Skronky must act. Now. She storms off and gathers some Skronky Pot Protector Society members to make up a war party.

Cantankerous Biggs was just going into Booz for some breakfast before work, going out mugging contestants. A large Squatholian Coffee - a cup of black coffee with two pints of Wanker in it, but without the coffee. Instead he finds himself recruited into Big Su's possee.

Cantankerous Biggs is a valuable asset to such a possee. His experience hunting down contestants in the jungle has given him keen tracking skills. While Su rounds up other Squats, he investigates the area under the window.

Cantankerous Biggs finds cigarette dogends and old cider cans, the same as every other square inch of Squat Hole. There are size two footprints in the dirt as well. Plenty of them. And signs of something heavy being dragged away.

Cantankerous Biggs starts following this last trail. It leads down a back alley to Tosspot Lane, and thence via minor back streets, always avoiding the main roads, out to the north gates.

Sewage Skronky has got her possee together and sent it to follow Biggs as he tracks the McThuggers out of Squat Hole and to their base.

The Next Day - Big Su's Office

Sewage Skronky's possee's search for Impudencia was only partially successful. Biggs followed the trail all right. And the rest of the possee managed to follow Biggs, scarcely less impressive.

Sewage Skronky's possee didn't on the other hand, actually find or free Impudencia. The trail led into Port Foley and that's more or less as far as the Squats went.

It turns out that a port full of pirates does not take kindly to a war party of Squats just casually strolling in. It's inhabitants take exception to such behaviour, and take steps to prevent it.

It seems that pirates have had practice at this sort of thing and can outfight even a gang of Squat Hole's toughest. This comes as something of an upset to Sewage who had naturally assumed that her Squats would be best at this on the island.

Impudencia Skronky needs to be recovered. That she has been kidnapped is an affront to the might and prestige of the Skronky clan and Sewage herself and it must be remedied. That being tied up in a sack for days on end might be uncomfortable for her grand daughter does not occur to Su.

Sewage Skronky just needs to work out how to regain Impudencia. Brute force has not worked. That low cunning and cleverness for which Squats are renowned must come into play. First things first however, blame must be apportioned.

Sewage Skronky grabs Crapulous Mulligan who happens to be passing by. "Oi yu facker! Wot yu duin, luttin thum wun?" "Wut?" Crapulous was not part of the possee, is unaware of the kidnapping situation, and has no idea what Su is on about.

Sewage Skronky "Dunt yu 'Wut?' me yu fackin dickead! Yu lut thum wun!" `iClout`i "Yu luttin uz dun!" `iBaff`i and she procedes to failboat Crapulous for his single-handedly losing the fight in Port Foley.

Now Sewage needs to concentrate on the situation in hand. She must first find out whereabouts in Port Foley Impudencia is being kept, and with that in mind she sets out to find W. the Skronkys' spy master; Wasp Skronky.

Another Day later - Port Foley: The Town Square

Dandiprat May, hard at work mugging passers by, pauses after relieving his latest vict...er...`iclient`i of their wallet, and glancing up, sees a kittymorph of unusually tasteful height walk into Port Foley.

A couple of kittymorphs who happen to be passing through notice a Squat wearing a cheap Halloween cat mask and with an old piece of rope stuck into the back of his trousers for some reason.

A striking example of how two observers can look at the same scene and see quite different things.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is undercover. He has been tasked with finding out where the McThuggers stay in Port Foley and, more importantly, where they're keeping Impudencia Skronky.

The Skronkys have realised that the McThuggers will be watching out for Skronky agents.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has for this reason been provided with a foolproof disguise as a kittymorph. To supplement the mask and rope tail, he utters "`@Purr, purr`0" from time to time. Nobody will suspect a thing.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs looks about. The McThuggers are not immediately apparent. He will have to ask about, but carefully, so as not to arouse suspicion. He approaches Dandiprat May.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs comes up with a good excuse. "`@`iPurr, purr`i. Oi yu. Oim luckin fur thu McThuggers. Cuz...oi ere thuy sull...booz...ur, oi min, kutnip? Cuz oim uh kuttycut loik see? `iPurr, purr, meuw`i, oi loik scritchies oi du.`0"

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs's clever ruse has Dandiprat fooled. "`QOi cun see thut yur a fackin kuttykut! Oim nut fackin stoopud um oi?`0"

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is about to give a suitably sarky reply to that, but remembers just in time that as a kittymorph, he'd naturally be in awe of the Squat's superior intelligence. "`@Nu! Yur dud cluvur! Yur uh Squat urnt yu?`0"

Dandiprat May draws himself up to his full height. "`QOi, thutz roit. Oiz uh Squat un dunt yu furgut et.`0" Point made he looks around for his next mugging client. He doesn't have to look far. "`QGivvus yer rek, y'punsyarse!`0" and Biggs finds a knife brandished in his face.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs feels that the conversation has run away from him. "`@Nah nah nah! Yur nut munt be muggin me yur duckud! Tull me wur thu McThuggers ur!`0" "`QOo yu cullin uh duckud?`0"

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs "`@Dun guv me thut! Wur ur thu fackin McThuggers?`0" "`QOoz uskin? Wot yu wunna now fur?`0" "`@Oi wunna now su oi cun gut sum boo...ur...kutnup dunnoi? Nu WUR UR THU FACKIN MCTHUGGERS?`0"

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is starting to get impatient. Luckily, Dandiprat inadvertently lets slip a vital clue. "`QWoi shud oi tull yu abut thu McThuggers un thu Zumbie Gut?`0" "`@Zumbie Gut? Wut thu facks uh zumbie gut gutta du wiv unyfing?`0"

Dandiprat May rolls his eyes in an exaggerated manner. "`QThu Zumbie Gut? Utz unly thu McThuggers pub innit? Yur fackin duckud!`0"

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has had enough. "`@Dunt yu cull me uh duckud yu fackin duckud!`0" Soon the Squats are brawling in the mud. Which should surprise nobody.

Early Evening the next Day - Port Foley: The Zombie Goat

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has, after a few misadventures, managed to find `iThe Zombie Goat`i. He is undercover and in order to blend in seamlessly is obliged to buy a pint of...Noxious Smith's it seems they sell here.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs drinks his pint and scopes out the pub. Not too bad. Definitely a Squat pub, not the sort of rubbish that Humans have, and as for the Jokers, they don't have a pub at all in Ace High. Biggs snorts.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is quick to note that this place isn't as good as Booz however. That is precisely the sort of detail that W. will be looking for. Biggs looks around for colloborative evidence.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs takes in the various "stuffed" animals that are lying around. "`@Oi but thuy fink thutz clussy`0" he mutters to himself, secretly impressed.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs decides against mentioning this aspect of the decor. W. would not be interested. He looks around for other details.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs notes the holes in the roof and tut tuts sadly. More than there are in Booz (as far as he can count). A big one over the bar as well. That would never happen in Booz he lies to himself.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs drinks his pint slowly; it's not easy drinking through a cat mask. Not too bad a pint actually. But Biggs is conscientious and thorough in his work.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs knows that his boss W, the Skronky's spymaster, will want a full detailed report and as a result it takes him almost ten minutes to finish it.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs knows the beer must be given its proper consideration. Another pint is called for. He gets up and goes back to the bar.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs walks past a somewhat inebriated Pugnacious Butler who decides to pull a classic practical joke - pull the kittymorph's tail.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs' "tail" comes off in Butler's hand. This is not what he expected! Pugnacious was looking forward to the kittymorph being unexpectedly pulled back.

Pugnacious Butler "`LWot thu fack! Oiv pud uv utz fackin tail!`0" "`JWhat? What you on about?`0" enquires his drinking partner, a human by the name of John Hansworthy.

Pugnacious Butler "`LLuck! Oiv pud utz fackin tail uv!`0" showing the piece of rope in his hands. "`JNaw you haven't!`0" John informs him, used to his friends mistakes. "`JIt's a piece of rope.`0"

Pugnacious Butler "`LWot? Uh yu shur?`0" "`JCourse I'm sure! Look at it. It's a piece of rope.`0" Butler holds it up to his eye and scrutinises it before reluctantly agreeing.

Pugnacious Butler is having problems putting the pieces together. "`LSu wutz uh Kuttykut doin wiv uh but uv rup wur utz tul shud be?`0" "`JKittycat? That wasn't a Kittymorph, that was a Squat that was. Drive knows why they had a bit of rope stuck in its trousers.`0"

Pugnacious Butler "`LYuz ut wuz! Oi sor ut. Ut wuz a kuttykut. Ud uh tail und uvryfink.`0" "`JNo it didn't, that was rope, remember? It's a Squat. Squats don't have tails!`0"

Pugnacious Butler is having difficulty processing this information. "`LYu shur?`0" "`JCourse I'm sure. Look, watch.`0" and so saying, John downs his pint, strides up to Biggs and grabs him by the shoulder.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is pulled round "`@Oi yu...`0" but before he can say any more the mask is snatched from his face and pulled back to reveal his true visage.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has been rumbled, and although the mask soon returns to its correct place as John lets go and its elastic pulls it back, the damage has been done.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs completes his comment "`@...fackin duckud!`0" and translating thought into action, he lays into John. John defends himself stoutly and gives as good as he gets.

Pugnacious Butler is stunned by the revelation. "`LTHUTZ NUT UH KUTTYKUT!`0" and pandamonium erupts. While few there know what on earth he's on about and fewer still care, the tone of voice suggested that a brawl was on its way.

This is something of a self-fulfilling prophecy and soon the pub is in full riot mode with new holes being created in the walls, ceilings, and a few other things.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs soon disappears beneath a brawl of Zombie Donkey patrons. Next stop, the Failboat.

Squat Hole: Big Su's Office

Big Su Skronky is deep in thought. The intelligence has come in. Wasp's spy has located the McThugger's hide out in Port Foley, a pub by the name of The Zombie Goat. Now all that remains to do is raid it. But how?

Big Su Skronky has tried a full frontal assault but it proved unsuccessful. Another way must be found, one that uses the cunning and guile for which the Squats are famous. The Zombie Goat is on the water front. That might be useful. Hmm.

Big Su Skronky sits and thinks. Hmm. Holes in the roof. Hmm. Slowly but surely, a plan comes together in her mind.

Port Foley - The Boardwalk

It is late night on the boardwalk outside The Zombie Donkey. Inside the pub there is a loud and raucus band playing. The noise is loud enough out here, inside it must be deafening. Any other sounds would be drowned out, even if there was anybody to hear.

A patron stumbles out of the drinking establishment and wobbles over to the edge of the boardwalk, where they fall over and throw up copiously over the side into the water.

Once this patron's bleary eyes start to clear, he sees something curious - to wit, a row boat pulling up. A row boat furthermore, piled high with Squats. Before he can cry out, he is grabbed by one of the sailors and pulled into the boat.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has been watching out for this sort of circumstance, that is, being spotted. The boat's crew are SPPS members. Not just any members either. These are the so called "Big Members". The Elite. The finest that Squat Hole has to offer.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is the lookout. The squad are on a mission. And it is imperative that they remain undetected. Anybody who sees them must be eliminated before they can raise the alarm. The patron will be soon be Failor fodder. But first...

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs shouts at the unfortunate "WOT THU FACK YU SPYIN UN UZ FUR?" "Whu What? Who...?" "OO? WOT YU WUNNA NOW OO FUR? OO YU SPYIN FUR?" The unfortunate patron was already in an advanced state of inebriation and is ill equipped to make sense of this.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs makes it easy for him by giving him no chance to answer. "YU UNT SIN NUFFINK!" he screams. "WE UNT ERE GUTTIT?"

The patron, while still unsure as to the question, has at least got the presence of mind to grasp that the correct answer is "Ye-yes."

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs "GUD! NU DUNT MEK UH SUND." And without further ado, the patron is beaten unconscious and thrown overboard.

Once the boat's consequent rocking has subsided a little, some of the excess water is bailed out (water being considered hazardous to a Squat's natural aroma). That done, a few oar strokes bring the boat to the quayside and a dollop of seaweed onto Biggs' head.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs makes to get out of the boat but is called back by the captain of the crew, 001 Big Danny Skronky. "OI! YU GIT BUCK ERE! OIZ THU BUS RUND ERE! YU DU WUT OI SAY!"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: "Wull wot uls ur we gunna du? Wur ere now! Nu punt stuyin un thu but izza? Wot we gunna du in ere?"

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: "NUVUR YU MUND THUT! OIM THU BUS, OI MUK THU DESUZZJUNS!"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs sits down again grumbling. "Gu un thun. Muk yur desuzzjun."

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky pauses and considers the whole situation and the plan in hand. He weighs the options to and fro before making a carefully calculated decision. "Roit. UVRYBUDY UT THU BUT!"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs mutters to himself. "Uvrybudy ut thu but. Uvrybudy ut thu but. Wot thu fack uls wuz we gunna du?" and recieves a cuff round the ear from Big D. He briefly considers hitting back, but thinks better of hitting a Skronky. Anyway, there's a job to do.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs waits until Big Danny, Scumbelly Perkins and the rest climb out then follows them up onto the Boardwalk.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky addresses the squad. "Roit. Wiz gutta fund thu Zumbie Dunkey thun git up untu thu roof." He looks round. "Biggs! Yu wuz spy. Wuch wunz thu Zumbie Dunkey?"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs points sullenly. "Thut wun."

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky knows what he's doing. "Ooz gut thu rup?" Agent 003 Jargogle Anderson speaks up. "Oi uv." waving a coil in the air.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: "Roit. Yu gu furst. Biggs. Yu ulp im up. UVRYWUN KEEP QUIET!"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs walks to the wall of the Zombie Donkey and bends over, thus providing a platform for Jargogle to use to climb up onto the roof.

Agent 002 Scumbelly Perkins follows him, then agent 001 Big Danny, agent 003 Rambunctious Taylor and agent 003 Morology Scraggs. Finally Jargogle lets down the rope.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs knows what to do. He grabs the end of the rope, then looks at it closely. "Oi! Wurz the loop? Ooz stulun thu loop?"

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky shouts down from the roof. "Wot yu min 'Wurz thu loop?' Thu loops un thu und uv thu rup innit? Yu fackin duckud!"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: "Nu ut fackin int yer duckud!"

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: "Yur ut uz! Oi put ut thur mesulf. Luck ugin yu usluss fackin duckud."

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: "Wull ut muz uv fullun ut ugun thun cuz utz nut thur nu."

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: "Guv ut ere yu fackin duck'ud." And the rope is pulled back up again. "Wuz thu lup gun? Ooz stulun thu fackin lup?"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: "Thutz wut oi sud yu fackin duckud." He starts to pantomime Big D. "'Put ut thur mesulf' nuh nuh nuh"

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: "Yu shut ut. Wur yu put thu fackin lup?"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: "Oi unt put ut nowur! Oi int sin thu fackin lup! Thutz wut oim suyin!"

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky: "Wull ut int ere nu. Wot yu dun wiv ut?" This debate could carry on all night, but luckily Rambunctious Taylor finds the loop. It seems that it's been cunningly moved to the other end of the rope.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky shouts down "Ukay. Wiz gut ut. Yur lucky oi fund it uftur yu id it." He throws down the other end of the rope, the one with the loop in it, carefully remembering to keep a hold of the other end. He is a highly trained crack Squat commando after all.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs puts the loop round his head. He too is highly trained and knows that this is not enough. He carries on and gets his arms through as well. Now the rope is tied round his chest.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: "Ukay. Rudy." The Squats on top of the pub start to pull, and Biggs is lifted off the ground.

A Zombie Goat patron happens to glance out of the window and sees a Squat flying through the air - like some sort of cherub gone horribly wrong.

This previously hardened drinker swears off drink for life and gets up to leave and go home.

Unfortunately however, what with the beer already consumed, and the press of the crowd, the sot finds themself pushed back to the bar again. Instinct kicks in, a pint is bought, a seat found, an opportunity lost.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs doesn't notice that he's been seen, which is just as well for all concerned. He is soon on the roof with the rest of the Squat squad. Now they can move onto the next step of their plan.

When Big Su Skronky received a report stating "Hulz un thu ruf. Bug wun uvur thu bar," she saw these holes in a different light to Biggs - as potential unexpected entrances. A potential which she went on to decide to turn into a reality.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky and his squad have been sent on an audacious and cunning plan to attack the Zombie Donkey by absailing down through the roof. This will leave them behind the bar, with direct access to the back room. It is here that Impudencia Skronky is believed to be held.

The Zombie Goat is in an old building, one in some state of disrepair. There are several holes in the roof, all simply repaired with old tarpaulins nailed over them so that the clientel, rather than getting rained on in inclement weather, have a steady stream down the back of their necks instead.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky is faced with a problem here. Multiple holes. Big D is a straight forward Squat who doesn't hang about. He picks the nearest. "Roit Biggs. Git uvur ere. Scumbelly, Rambunctious. Uld unto rup loik."

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has spent long enough in the pub that he can now find his way round by instinct, even when sober. "Nut thus ole! Utz..." but he is interupted.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky does not like being disobeyed and brooks no argument. "YU GIT ERE NU, AND FACKIN `iKUP QUIUT!`i"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs "But...but..."

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky grabs Biggs by the arm, pulls him over and kicks him down the hole. Luckily Scumbelly and Rambunctious have indeed grabbed hold of the other end of the rope.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is not lucky enough however. It would have also helped if the Squats had thought to ensure that the length of rope available was shorter than the distance from the roof to the ground, but this is not in fact the case.

Patrons enjoying the gig currently playing in the Zombie Goat all cheer as a Squat falls out of nowhere and crashes into the middle of the band, knocking the two fart-horn players for six - this is a good show that's being put on.

A certain drunkard near the back is given a second chance, but fluffs it by passing out from the shock of it and then passing it off as a bad dream.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky shouts "Pull um buck up!" Scumbelly and Rambunctious quickly pull on the rope - and fall over as the slack gives less resistance than expected.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky kicks them both. "Oi! Gut up yu idle fackers!" and, ever the optimist "Wez gutta gut um oot befur unybudy seez im." Scumbelly and Rambunctious are up and start to pull in earnest.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is lifted up. But he has gained weight. The two fart-horn players took the stage crashing as an invitation to a fight, and, it might be argued, not unreasonably so.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs now has one player hanging off his legs and the other holding onto his head and trying to punch him at the same time.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is slowly hauled up, and starts to swing as the buffeting from the crowd knocks him and his passengers to and fro. One of the kittymorph backing singers narrowly avoids being knocked over.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs's human knot, er, Squat knot, er, Squat wrecking ball swings back and forth, managing to take out the drummer who gets caught up in the whole thing. The crowd go wild.

Members of the audience are starting to get caught up in the fun, leaping up and hanging on to the ball as it picks up momentum. Up above, Scumbelly and Rambunctious are finding that pulling Biggs up is getting harder and harder.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs's swings are right at their height when Scumbelly Perkins feels the rope slip through his fingers. Rambunctious Taylor manages to keep his grasp and is pulled down into the hole.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs et.al. go flying through the air and crash into the bar, knocking Termagent McThugger sprawling into the tables behind. Beer goes everywhere.

Termagent McThugger is knocked so badly she even lets go of the night's takings, clutched permanently in an iron like grip for safe keeping. Very wise round here. But not now.

Termagent McThugger's takings go flying across the pub causing excitement everywhere. Free recker! The number of fights in the pub diminishes considerably; instead of several small scale fights there is now just one big one.

Termagent McThugger herself is unable to put a stop to this with her customary authority as she is still caught up in the Squat wrecking ball which has the floor but is still rolling.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs' wrecking ball has turned into something more akin to a bowling ball as it crashes into the back wall with enough momentum to smash it to matchwood.

The McThuggers were sitting round a table having a meeting when Biggs and his fellow ball members smash through the wall and land straight on the table. More beer is spilt.

The McThuggers have slowed the ball down enough that it finally comes to a halt and falls apart into its constituent pieces, all thoroughly mixed up with the various members of the McThugger tribe.

The McThuggers are momentarily stunned. But they are Squats, and their natural instincts hold them in good stead. Soon there is a fight going on, which quickly connects up with the main fight spilling in from the bar.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs takes longer to recover, he's been whirled around as the core of a giant wrecking ball rather than just being crashed into by one.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs slowly stops seeing stars but can still feel the ground moving beneath him. Hang about, that's because the ground `iis`i moving beneath him.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs finds himself lying on top of a couple of sacks that have been left lying around. A couple of sacks filled with something nobbly and moving. "`@Wot thu fackz goin un?`0"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs takes his knife and sticks it into one of the sacks. The sack gives him backchat. "`@Oyya! Fack urf yu duckud!`0"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs won't take this sort of thing. He starts laying into the sack. "`@Dunt yu guv me thut shite yu fackin duckud!`0" `iThump thump thump.`i

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs pulls his knife out of the sack and notices fresh blood on the end. What's going on? Sacks don't usually bleed when you stab them. Only if...

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs stands up and, after picking up the sack, empties it onto the floor. Out falls a Squat, barely recognisable as Sarky Williams.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs sees before him a pitiful Squat who has spent a week tied up in a sack with nothing to eat. A figure so emaciated that its waist measurement is now even less than its height.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: "`@Wot thu fack! Oo ur yu?`0" But the figure before him has been denied something else as well as food for the last week. Something even more important. "`@Gis a fackin ciggie!`0"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs "`@Giz yu uh ciggie? Uz yu avin uh laff? Yu fink oim mud uv ciggies? Yu gut yur un cigs yu fivin facker yu!`0" "`@Oi sud GIZ UH FACKIN CIGGIE!`0" Sarky Williams will do whatever it takes.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is grabbed by the front of his clothes "`@GIZ UH FACKIN CIGGIE! NOW!`0" The fight is swift - Sarky is in bad shape, and soon he is waiting for the failboat.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs still has another sack. The fight rages on around him, but his curiousity gets the better of him and he empties this one as well, then falls back in alarm as an Impudencia Skronky falls out. A very angry Impudencia Skronky.

Impudencia Skronky is securely tied up and gagged. "`QUmum umum, um um UM UM UUUUMMMM!`0" "`@Yu Wot?`0" "`QUm um UM UM UM UUUUMMM um um um um...`0" "`@Wot yu un abut?`0"

Impudencia Skronky "`QUMUM UM UM UUUMMM UM UM UMUM UMUM`0" "Oi cant ere yu! Yuz gut summut in yur moff, un oi cant tull wut yur sayin wiv thut thur!`0"

Impudencia Skronky is well aware that she has something in her mouth and has in fact been requesting its removal. A request albeit hampered, as Biggs so astutely noted, by the presence of the very item who's removal is being requested.

Impudencia Skronky had also given voice, or tried, to the hope that the ropes tying her up might be loosened with a view to being dispensed with altogether. She reiterates her ideas.

Impudencia Skronky "`QUm um UmmmUmmm UUUMMM um umum UMUM!`0"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs isn't sure what to do here. It seems that Impudencia wishes to say something to him. However this desire for communication is, as previously noted, impeded by the gag in her mouth.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs can't help thinking that communication would be greatly enhanced by the removal of said gag, and is almost tempted to do this. He doesn't however.

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs doesn't know why Impudencia has a gag - it's not his place to ask such questions. Impudencia is a Skronky, he is not. If Impudencia, or any other Skronky chooses to have a gag, then that is their perogative. Not to be gainsaid by the likes of him.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky is still up. He gives his current adversary, Curmudgeon McThugger, a decisive punch. The fight is starting to peter out and when Big D sees Impudencia he comes over.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky "`QOi! Wot yu duin ere?`0" "`QUm ummmum Umm Umum um Ummum UMUM!`0" "`@Yu wot?`0" Big D turns to Biggs. "`QWot she sayin? Oi cant unnerstund er!`0"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs "`@Oi dunt nu! Oi cant muk et ut, utz thut fung un ur muth - oi cant ere uh wurd shez sayin!`0"

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky looks more closely "`QEre, shuz gut summat un ur muth! Thutz whoi uz cant unnerstun er! Ere Impy, woi yu gut thut un yur muth fur? Uz cant ere wut yur sayin!`0" Biggs bites his tongue.

Impudencia Skronky "`QUm um umm um ummumm um um ummum um um ummum UMUM! Ummum um um UM!`0"

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky "`QOi cant ere wut yur sayin wiv thut thur!`0" "`QUm ummum UMUM! Um um ummum UM!`0" "`QOim gunna tek ut ut so oi cun ere wut yur sayin,`0" and he does just that.

Impudencia Skronky "`QUt fackin lust yu fackin DUCKUD! Nu FACKIN untoi uz!`0" "`QWot wuz yu sayin?`0" "`QOi wuz sayin FACKIN UNTOI UZ yu fackin duckud!`0"

Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs recognises the sure signs that Impudencia is unhappy and backs away. "`@Yus, oil juz gu un du thut,0" and turning, he flees.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky "`QYu wunt untoi'n?`0" "`QYuz uv cus oi wunt untoi'n!`0" "`QWull wut yu loik thut un thu furz plus fur?`0" "`QFACKIN UNTOI UZ!`0"

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky finally gets the idea and starts to untie Impudencia. As soon as she has her hands free Impudencia vents her rage on the nearest target, Big Danny.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky is taken by surprise and goes down under Impudencia's blows, giving her the first advantage. But Impudencia has spent several days tied up in a sack, and still has her feet tied together.

Agent 001 Big Danny Skronky and Impudencia slug it out. Who will come out on top? Neither! They both end up on the failboat. And hence back to Squat Hole, which was the primary aim of the mission. So. Success! Sort of.

In the coming days, the Skronkys will analyse the McThugger situation and consider what action to take. But that is another story.


More stories from Squat Hole

1) For details see The Great Train Robbery
 
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kidnapping_impudencia.txt · Last modified: 2017/08/22 13:13 by Hairy Mary