The ballad of B- and K-, or
Love's Labours Fookin' Wasted.
Warning: This tale contains Mutant poetry
Intro: Midget meets K. . . a bird.
Him: I remember the day we met. She was posing for an artist. . .
Her: Thank you very much, I was staring at a falling leaf.
Him: . . .and she looked. . .she looked amazing.
Her: I was just hanging out in the Grounds with a few people, and a disgruntled Midget came in. . .
Him: I needed a beer! Well - petrol milkshake.
Her: . . .that I recognised as a clannie. He was kind, polite, to begin with.
Him: She was AMAZING! This. . .strong, silent, gorgeous. . .
Her: I found him pretty good company, until those creepy silences started.
Him: I was thinking!
Her: You were acting pretty weird.
Him: I was admiring you!
Her: You were staring at me.
Him: I tried drawing her. To capture her forever as I saw her.
Her: Poor fellow started attempting to draw, stick figures and the like.
Him: I had small hands!
Her: No comment. . .?
Him: I spoke to Horatio about her. He made me human so I could hold a pencil, brushes. . .
Her: And the sexual orientation change was just an unintended side-effect.
Him: I was just camp! Anyway. I was able to start improving my pictures. I still loved her.
Her: He started to follow me a bit more than I liked. But he was a clannie, and a friend, and
there wasn't anything I could politely do about it.
Him: I decorated our clan halls with drawings of her. After I sorted out the curtains. GOOD drawings, too.
Her: How could I tell him that I wasn't remotely interested? I was even married, by that point.1)
Him: I wanted to be more expressive. I spoke to Horatio again. He made me. . .
Her: Some kind of humanoid, with slime on his skin, and a problem with body odour.
Him: . . .a mutant. I was in touch with an artist who was going to help me with my poetry. An EPIC.
Her: I've been around mutants for long enough not to care too much about the smell, but the fact that he retained his memories just made things more difficult.
Him: I started small. Cross stitch. "Swoopy, squawking, graceful birdy; Midget-me thinks you're awful purdy"
Her: Horatio turned me into a robot. I was mostly glad - maybe I could use logic to defend myself.
Him: I found her paralysed in the Grounds one night. . .
Her: My clockwork got jammed when I was fetching someone a drink.
Him: And someone suggested she needed rebooting. A gremlin told me to stick my tongue in her ear. . .
Her: I'm still not sure that I believe that.
Him: . . .to operate her on/off switch. It turns out it was lying.
Her: You don't say?
Him: But I thought I'd shown her my intentions from the first had been pure.
Her: But you won't believe how long it took to remove every last trace of slime.
Him: Eventually I finished my epic. I was ready.
Her: And I was quite conveniently asleep.
Him: I found my artist friend in Pleasantville and told my tale:
Pretty birdy, lovely wings,
if I could tell you of the things that make my soul take flight with joy. . .
but I can't - I'm just a mutant boy.
Pretty raptor, lovely beak,
oh how I wish that I could speak of empty beach and ocean swell. . .
but I'm just a mutant - and I smell.
Pretty K . . . . . . ! Breast so proud!
If I could say the words aloud I'd tell you that you look so fine!
But I can't - cos you're offline.
Him: It all came to a head in Clan Halls.
Her: When I watched the video in the Communications Tent, I just didn't know how to react. It was funny beyond words, but the poor fellow was completely besotted with me. Things were worse than I'd feared.
Him: She told me she was married, and it was all in vain.
Her: I told him I'd been wearing a ring since we first met, and even taken every opportunity to flash it.
Him: She gave me chocolate. So now. . .we're just friends.
Her: And if I see another one of those carvings, hear another one of those poems. . .
They leave, and go their separate ways.