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Squat Hole

Located just northwest of Improbable Central - be sure to check out the river and swamplands between them - is Squat Hole, home city of the squat population. Squat Hole is best described as an acquired taste, and if you like Squats this is the city for you. Travelers are advised to be polite and respectful, because the locals are known for their distrust and generally surly dispositions. Still, they love to be challenged to duels, so you are required by social custom to engage in at least one spitting match while you're in town.

Half post-industrial wasteland and half red light district, Squat Hole has an 'anything goes' outlook on life. In addition the usual centers of Island business like the Lodge, Bank, and Clan Halls, you'll find an outstanding Squat pleasure palace1) that caters to just about any desire. Travelers to Squat Hole are advised to wear a dirty sock over their olfactory glands, as the putrid stench of Squats can overwhelm even the strongest of travelers.

Major attractions in Squat Hole include:

  • Skronky Pot. This may look like a run-down shop, but it is actually the front for the biggest manufacturing establishment throughout the Island. Legend has it the locals boil down raw ingredients and produce all Skronky Cider and cigarettes here. The locals love to show off their manufacturing methods and are eager to let travelers assist them - they've even been known to reward you with a few reqs for your effort. Bring a strong back and a stronger stomach.
  • Tynan's Gym. Strongman Tynan, famed throughout the Island for his successful string of late-night fitness infomercials, chose Squat Hole for the location of his training gym. Looking to add some muscle to your attack level? This is the place. Vitality? Tone? Agility? The gym offers programs for every goal. Sure, there's a trade-off, but you can't argue with the results!
  • Kebab's 'n' Shite. Squat Hole's local eatery. Buys Crap meat for 2 Req per "bit" (0.1 kg). The food in Kebab's 'n' Shite is like a Squat, fat and short lasting. Open up to Threat Level Six.
  • Julia's Squat Massage. If you can afford the cover fee,2) Julia's place offers the ultimate in physical pleasure and pure hedonism - what better way to relax after a long campaign through the jungle than a nice massage? From her offices on a quiet side street in the Western Quadrant, Julia personally seeks out only the most attractive and talented squats for her establishment, and she employs both female and male squats to meet any possible taste. Rumor has it, one of the woman squats at Julia's is last June's Playsquat Of The Month, and one of the guy squats is the reigning Mr. Nude Squat Hole. Sure, the services are expensive, but you're guaranteed to feel better afterward. Tell her you read about it in the Guide and Julia might give you a discount. Open up to Threat Level Seven.
  • Booz. The fourth best pub on Improbable Island. Chlamydia3) the bartender serves 2 drinks. Wanker for 25 req and Mudwisearse for 5. They're the cheapest drinks on the island, because nobody likes walking around Squat Hole with a sack full of req. Dirty Limerick Night is the most popular pubgame in Booz, but "Twice as much or git tae fook" is fun too.

While it lacks traditional tourist sightseeing destinations, Squat Hole is a popular destination for weary travelers seeking to relax in a pleasant spa-like environment4), as well as contestants seeking to learn more about the inner workings of the Island's manufacturing centers. Squat Hole is one of the Island's most under-rated hotspots!5)

Who's Who in Squat Hole

Report by the Improbable Island Disorganised Crime Squad (IIDCS)

When the IIDCS was first formed, its founding charter charged it with 'the investigation of the criminal subculture of Improbable Island'. It very soon became apparent that this remit effectively meant investigating the squats, and their home Squat Hole. Although there is other crimnal activity on the Island, it is smaller, more isolated, and much less visible than the squats, who are criminally minded to the point where they will often put far more effort into the dishonest acquisition of anything at all than it would have cost them were they to use more legitimate means.

In the light of this it seems appropriate to compile a dossier of some of the inhabitants of Squat Hole, and their relations with each other. It must be emphasised that a dossier of this form can never do more than scratch the surface of criminal activity in Squat Hole, and must very much be seen as an on going project.

There are a variety of documents pertaining to Squat Hole and the squats, and the reader interested in a general overview is advised to look at Alexander Quandle's Squat Hole Project, an index of these resources.

We start with a short extract from 'A Treatise Concerning Squat Hole'.

"In general females are dominant in society, although there are other currents at work also, for example almost any member of the Skronky family is generally considered higher in social ranking than a non-Skronky, and non-squats are almost universally regarded as inferior."

There are two main criminal syndicates in Squat Hole, as well as a host of other figures. We start by listing some of their members before moving on to some of the side players in Squat Hole society.

OUT OF CHARACTER NOTE: Most of the below squats are not player characters, and may be used by anyone who can find a use for them. However, there are some exceptions to this rule. In order of appearence below, Chairman Bernard, Cantankerous Biggs, Hairy Mary and Talkydoor are (or were) all player characters, and should be respected as such.

OUT OF CHARACTER NOTE TWO: Please feel free to claim that your downtrodden squat character is (or has been) a member of any of the various hoodlum gangs. If your character is currently a Derby Boy, for example, wear a beat up hat, regard other squats with deep distrust (who wouldn't?) and you'll be pretty much set.

The Skronkys

It is believed that the Skronkys originally hailed from Tunbridge Wells, UK, where they were seen by their neighbours as a "problem". There are rumours that the local town council bribed the local representative of As The Island Turns show to arrange to have all of their numbers "drawn by lot" in the weekly lotto.

Be that as it may, the Skronky's are now very much the dominant family in Squat Hole, and have their own secret clan whose membership is strictly limited to family members. There follows an incomplete list.

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Sewage 'Big Su' Skronky

The head of the Skronky tribe, and CEO of Skronky enterprises. Often refered to as 'The Dogmother', Sewage is very much the Big Cheese in the Squat Hole community. Very little happens without her knowledge and say so. However her control is usually done through intermediaries, Sewage herself is careful to keep her hands clean and very rarely even talks to anyone outside the Skronky family.

Her main ambitions are the expansion of the family empire. She has designs on all businesses not already under Skronky control. The immediate aims are the various food and drink establishments around the island, in particular Mutated Munchies in Pleasantville which is seen as direct competition to Kebabs 'N' Shite. Sewage is baffled as to why people seem to prefer going to "An orrid littul pluc run by uh fur urmed freak." When they could be going to "Uh igh qulitee rustrunt wiv ut lest tu litters uv fut wiv uvry meal, gurunteed." Longer term goals are Sheila's Shack of Shiney, e-boys, and, endgame, the Improbable Island bank. She considers Tynan's Gym, an independent business in Squat Hole, as an afront to Skronky pride, but has so far been unable to make any headway on this. Maiko's cooking Acadamy is a minor detail to her, and Cuthbert's Acadamy is treated with contempt. squats are already proficient in coarse insults, and that's all they need.

The general strategy is to run a protection racket on the business in question, and slowly build up to taking over the business in all but name. Sewage is content to let the original owners stay running the business in question, just as long as they obey her orders without question, and as long as the profits flow into Skronky coffers. Of course Sewage wouldn't be seen threatening anyone directly, her main tool for this is the Skronky Pot Protector Society.

The Skronkys have an enemy in the McThugger tribe (see A History of Idiocy: The Rise of The Skronkys) about whom they are quite paranoid, and the Dogmother has a tendency to see McThugger plots in anything which doesn't go their way, or otherwise isn't to her liking.

Felony Skronky

Sister of Sewage Skronky and manager of the Skronky Fag Mines. Felony is almost as reclusive as her sister. She has a reputation as a hard task master and the story is told of how once, when faced with an uncooperative miner, she shoved his miners lamp so far up his arse that he could read in the dark simply by opening his mouth. Whilst this story is probably apocryphal, having a squat able to read being something of a give away, the fact remains that Felony is a formidable woman, not to be messed with and striking fear into many of the miners under her.

Buckfast Skonky

Brother of Sewage and Felony Skronky. Although only a male, and without any official position, Buckfast is still influencial in Squat Hole. Even Julia and Mildew are careful to show respect to him in his presence, although the reality of the situation is that their instructions are treated with priority over his wishes. He is quite fond of his great-nephew Thuggins and is working behind the scenes to help secure Thuggins a formal position in the Skronky heirarchy. This seems unlikely to happen however. Thuggins is considered incapable of this work, and is in fact particularly unintelligent, even for a squat.

Chlamydia Skronky

Eldest daughter of Felony, and manager of Booz, Squat Hole's foremost pub. Chlamydia is a rosey faced squat with a nose that almost glows in the dark. Chlamydia's job is very important in the Skronky heirarchy, as the bartender at Booz she is in an ideal position to hear all rumours floating around the Island, and in this respect acts as a counterpoint to Julia's control of the massage parlour in the ongoing feud between Sewage and Felony.

The Skronky's do not produce their own drink, instead relying on the Steek family.

Mildew Skronky

Daughter of Sewage Skronky and manager of Skronkys Pot. An ideal squat for the job, Mildew has won the Squat Hole target hacking trophy for the last three years running and the distance trophy for the last two.6) Mildew is also honourary chief of the Skronky Pot Protectors Society, although Sewage herself is the ultimate boss. This organisation is used as the Skronkys muscle when needed. Members of this society can easily be recognised by virtue of the badge they wear advertising the fact.

Julia Skronky

Daughter of Sewage Skronky and proprieter of 'Julia's Massage Parlour'. Julia is a squat of above-average beauty, clean-shaven and close to almost being attractive. She is also a formidable woman and highly loyal to her mother. She is quite a friendly woman (on the squat scale of friendliness) and sometimes, when in a particularly good mood, doesn't even beat her workers to keep them in order.

Nettle Skronky

Daughter of Felony and accountant for the Skronky tribe. One of the few squats with any sort of mathematical ability at all, Nettle is talented enough to have got as far as her four times table. Her skills are put to good use keeping a close eye on supplies of meat in Kebabs and Shite, pots of lung butter in the Skronky Pot, and requisition everywhere.

Wasp Skronky

Daughter of Felony. A shadowy figure, Wasp is the Skronky's spymaster, and has an extensive network of spies. She has attempted to plant a spy behind the bar in the Prancing Spider Kitty on numerous occasions, however sooner or later, and usually sooner, they end up getting sacked for fighting and breaking furniture, or else for thieving, either beer, or directly from the till. Scumbelly Perkins who was a bouncer at the Spider Kitty was one such attempt, he now works as a spy in the union. Wasp has also attempted to infiltrate various clans with limited success.

Most of Wasps spies are 'sitting spies', tending to hang around in key places listening in on other peoples conversation. They believe themselves good at disguising themselves, blending in with the background and going unnoticed. They seem to think that they are nearly invisible when wearing their false noses, unaware that in reality, people are just pretending not to notice them because they really don't want to get involved with squats, especially ones who appear to have rotting parsnips tied onto the front of their faces.

The false noses are just one of many gadgets invented for Wasp by Shagnasty McAlistair, the Skronky's gadget man (see below). Other useful pieces of kit include a range of different disguises and covert weaponry.

Wasp also has one or two more 'roving spies' who she uses for special missions. Foremost of these is Outhouse O'Leary, see below, she has also on occasion used Cantankerous Biggs.

Dogend Skronky

Son of Sewage Skronky and manager of the building firm Skronky Bros. Constructions. "We make short work of your building needs." It should be noted that the pun is unintentional here, and any use of it for humourous comments is distinctly unappreciated by Dogend, and best avoided.

Dogend is about two feet one inch tall with a head of brown curly hair, which might even look quite nice were it to ever be washed or combed. Certainly the similar growth one can see between the top of his trousers and his waist when viewed from behind, makes a welcome change from the more traditional 'builders arse crack'.

Skronky Bros. constructions are responsible for a significant proportion of the buildings in Squat Hole. Not only for their initial building, but also the frequent repairs and outright rebuildings that regularly occur. The inhabitants are of course charged steep prices for these repairs. Dogend and Skronky Bros. Constructions is now considered an important part of the Skronky empire.

Impudencia Skronky

Daughter of Julia Skronky and manager of Kebab's and Shite. One of the new generation of Skronkys, and the first to be given a formal management position in the Skronky empire. Impudencia is keen to show that she's up to the job, and has put a lot of effort into finding the cheapest possible sources of meat for her kebabs. The native rat population is now severely depleted and Impudencia has had to resort to buying crap meat off adventurers who happen to bring it in.

Impudencia is well aware that Cantankerous Biggs has taken quite a shine to her, and of course uses this fact whenever she perceives it to be to her advantage.

Thuggins Skronky

Son of Julia Skronky. Thuggins looks particulaly shifty and unpleasent, even for a squat. He is also spectacularly unintelligent. As one squat has put it, "Thut Dipeshite cudden' run a pess up in bruwry."

Of the other Skronkys, only Buckfast has any respect for him at all. Nevertheless they do not accept any public disparagement of Thuggins, since to do so would be opening the door of disrespect to the Skronky tribe as a whole.

Thuggins believes himself to be fully capable of helping to run the Skronky empire. He is frustrated at being sidelined, and is constantly causing trouble for the Skronkys. Some of the information for this report comes from him, although any information from him has to be checked with other sources; it is not wise to trust anything said by a squat who tried to hold up the bank with a sawn off shot gun, but had sawn the wrong end off.

Big Danny

Son of Mildew Skronky. Big Danny is still a young squat and very much a junior member of the Skronky tribe. Danny has shown promise and is being groomed for a place in the Skronky heirarchy. At the moment this grooming consists of being a gopher for the more senior Skronkys and Danny can often be seen running errands around Squat Hole.

Cyril Two-Heads

Cyril is a mutant rather than a squat and so isn't actually a member of the Skronky tribe. However Big Su finds him very useful, mainly for his reading/writing skills.7) Cyril has, despite his nick name, three heads. However, most squats can't count that high, and Nettle (one of the few squats that can) has given up trying to din the right number into their heads.

The Squat Mafia

A lesser, but still important, rival to the Skronky tribe is the Squat Mafia. Although the MM's activities include most known types of criminal behaviour, their most notable rackets are human trafficking and the illicit skronky fields, set up to rival the official Skronky mines. The Skronkys have been searching for these fields for some time and would burn them if they ever found them. However the MM have hidden the fields well enough that the Skronkys have never yet been able to find them.

The SM control rather fewer Squat Hole businesses than they would like, being kept in check by the Skronkys. The only business that they actually have managed to run a protection racket on is Tynan's Gym, although much effort is necessary to keep this from also passing into Skronky hands. There is an uneasy Mexican standoff over this issue between the two gangs at the moment.

See here for seperate article on the SM.

Creaky Joe Montagna

Leader of the Squat Mafia, Creaky is bald, psychotic, haemophobic, aggressive, possessed of an eidetic memory, and arthritic. As well as being the Skronky's number one enemy, Creaky is a sworn enemy of GERM following an unfortunate incident where he was kidnapped by clan member Teh Dave. At one point there was a contract out on GERM clan leader Uncle Bernard's head, however this seems to have been forgotten in the interval when Uncle Bernard disappeared for a while. The exact circumstances of this disappearence have never been accurately ascertained, and is attributed to Creaky Joe by many squats. See here for seperate article on Creaky Joe Montagna.

Mad Tony

Linked to the Squat Mafia due to his rather bloodthirsty nature. It is Mad Tony who provides the muscle in the extortion racket on Tynan's Gym. Mad Tony is a well known singer and balladeer. He is often to be found being singing in one of the many Squat Hole dives, frequently accompanied by Outhouse O'Leary, the well known fart horn player. Their best known and most well loved song being the old Dame Veruca Lynn favourite 'There'll always be a Squat Hole.' See here for separate article on Mad Tony.

Various Groups of Modern Hoodlums

In addition to the more situated squat upper crust, which is organized by family, newer gangs of unrelated squat hoodlums have been coalescing like little pools of pus under the Squat Hole's tough skin, creating temporary truces that tend to come to a boiling head at just the wrong moments. These minor gangs are roughly estimated to contain numbers of twelve to forty members apiece, depending on who is attempting to count them.

As squats are exceedingly thick-skinned and tend to fight unarmed, their gang violence, although constant and desperate, is rarely lethal. The squat youths within the gangs identify staunchly with their surrogate families, and have been known to fight outsiders over affronts to each other's pride (as well as for the usual reasons of food, drink, or an object that ought to be theirs). Three recent squat gangs can consistently tell each other apart: the North-side Derby Boys, the South-end Pie-Eaters, and the East-hill Ironheads.

So far, the Skronkys and Squat Mafia haven't particularly bothered with any of them. This is because the newer gangs are chiefly (and, usually, desperately) concerned with their own immediate survival, have no leverage to create any kind of lasting economic/political power, and do a terrific job of beating the hell out of each other without any outside prodding. However, with rising membership in recent years, these non-familial gangs has begun to alter the culture of the Squat Hole, as even the very least-connected members of Squat Hole society can band together long enough to get their basic needs met.

From an outsider's perspective, a contestant is increasingly likely to get robbed by a group of squats, instead of by just one. Moreover, in addition to the old standbys of squat high art and culture, such as the much-beloved fartbugle, new squat art forms are beginning to blossom, most notably with the Pie-Eaters' advances in arse-powered graffiti.

Other Well Known Faces

Chairman Bernard

Founder and chairman of the Union of Skronky Miners etc. The chairman is a firebrand trade unionist, quick to find slights against squats from non-squat employers. Amongst other actions, he was active against the Prancing SpiderKitty on the occasion of Scumbelly Perkins being fired for 'borrowing' req out of the till.

The chairman has never taken any action against any of the Skronky owned businesses. When questioned on this point he claims that 'The Skronkys know how to treat squats right'. There are whisperings that there are darker reasons behind this reticence, but no concrete evidence has ever been found to substantiate such rumours.

Cantankerous Biggs

Well known squat around Squat Hole, with a reputation as one of Squat Hole's many great poets. It is rumoured that he once managed a limerick that almost rhymed in the right places, although nobody can quite rememeber how it goes.

Biggs is often used for special jobs by the Skronkys. He is quite sweet on Impudencia Skronky, and frequently tries to impress her, a fact sometimes used by Impudencia for her own ends.

Devvo

A grizzled old squat with salt and pepper hair and a scar running down one side of his face. Devvo was once an officer in the Skronky Pot Protector Society, but due to his skills with a budget horse tail, was handpicked to become a master in the Dojo.

Tiffny Figg

Tiffny Figg, a gum-chewing squat with gold hoop earrings, heavy mascara and a switchblade, is another old officer in the Skronky Pot Protector Society who was chosen to be a master in the dojo.

Goliath Golightly

Brought up by parents with rather 'progressive' ideas involving soap and changing clothes. Goliath's story is often told to squat children as a cautionary tale. All that soap over stimulated his growth hormones and he is now over 4ft tall. His gigantic stature makes him somewhat socially awkward, and so he tends to avoid the outposts, and is more often to be found in the jungle working hard mugging contestants. Goliath is sometimes used by the Skronkys as an enforcer, and occasionally as part of their 'rent-a-mob' in the Skronky's illegal activities.

Mundungous Hobbes

Squat philosopher, best known for his concept of The Noble Squat. Mundungous is a highly influential thinker in Squat Hole. He spends most of his time proping up the bar in Booz, talking to anyone who'll listen about his ideas on life. See here for more details.

As for looks; a moth-eaten vest stretched over a stomach as portly as a bakers. A bulbous nose that reminds of a lumpy potato. Hair black, grease-shiny and as tattered as a Raggedy Anne doll abandoned at the dump. Quivering jowls, and small eyes that squint. This is the view that Mundungous presents.

Microcephalus "Mike" James

Proprietor of the Squat Hole branch of 'Mike's Chop Shop'. Microcephalus is widely held in Squat Hole to have a knack with animals, he knows exactly where to clout an obstinate zombie donkey with a 2x4 to get it to move.

Mike often works for the Skronkys, looking after their private fleet of zombie donkeys, and it was he that came up with the scheme of "turbo charging" zombie donkeys. This scheme involves force-feeding the donkeys month old brussel sprouts until they have chronic flatulence, an operation usually taking about a fortnight. A squat riding a zombie donkey so turbo charged who finds themselves with a sudden need for speed,8) need only use his cigarette lighter on the donkey's behind and will instantly find themselves going as fast as they could wish for.

As a result of this useful work, the Chop Shop is allowed to stay nominally independent of the Skronkys, and Mike pays lower than average protection money.

Bilious Jones

Friend of Impudencia Skronky. A particularly interesting case. As well as all the normal criminal activities of any squat, Bilious provides a rare example of crime being performed on squats by outsiders, rather than the other way round.

Bilious was mugged in Squat Hole and had her beard stolen. (See here for the circumstances surrounding this act.) Impudencia put out a reward for the criminals involved and Cantankerous Biggs, amongst others, took up the challenge. This was done partly in an attempt to impress Impudencia, but mainly for the reward. Cantankerous questioned Bilious in the Prancing Spider Kitty, and coincidently at that moment one of the thieves, Marley walked in for a pint. Marley was recognised by Bilious and was close to getting kneecapped there and then. However she used her joker arts and native wiles to good effect, and Bilious and Cantankerous were left with the impression that Bilious had originally been mugged by Seth, the bard in the SpiderKitty, who was part of an international illegal beard smuggling operation headed by Doctor Paprika.

This rumour has rebounded round Squat Hole growing with the telling, and now everyone in Squat Hole knows someone who's uncle's best friend's neighbour's sister has had their beard stolen. The general paranoia that this has engendered is not helped by the fact that Seth himself is never seen, despite everyone watching out for him; Seth has now got a reputation for almost supernatural ninja like powers. At the time of writing this is causing severe strain in Squat Hole society, and unless something happens to distract the squats then this could easily lead to trouble ahead.

It should be noted that Doctor Paprika is certainly not masterminding a beard smuggling operation, or indeed anything else of the sort. He is an essentially honest man who wouldn't stoop to smuggling, and if he did, then he is too intelligent to smuggle stolen beards, which must surely occupy a far smaller share of the black market than the squats seem to imagine.

Verruca Lynn

Foremost musician of the senior generation, Verruca is best known for her patriotic songs. Verruca is often wheeled out by the Skronkys when they are attempting to persuade the inhabitants of Squat Hole to do something particularly stupid.

Hairy Mary

One time petty criminal. Apart from one brief excursion into politics, Hairy filled his days attempting to rob the bank, mug Crazy Audrey and so on. It must be said that his criminal career was notable for it's marked lack of success. All this came to an unfortunate end one day when he attempted to hold up the Squat Hole branch of Sheila's Shack of Shiny. Holding up a shop full of heavy duty weaponry, and people who know how to use it, is rarely a good idea, and this was no exception. As luck would have it, Sheila had just finished a prototype for a new weapon, her patented Angry Squat Launcher (ASL), and was looking for some ammunition to try it out. The ASL was rather stronger than expected and Hairy was launched into orbit, and as far as anyone knows, he is still up there.

Shagnasty McAlistair

Apparently an ordinary 'squat about the Hole', Shagnasty is a highly valued addition to Wasp Skronky's spy network. He is responsible for the kittymorph disguise that Wasp believes to be one of the great tools of the squat spy trade. Wasp and Shagnasty both consider a squat wearing one of these disguises to be indistinguishable from a real kittymorph, although most non-squats would consider them indistinguishable from a squat wearing a cheap Halloween cat mask with a piece of rope sticking out of the back of his trousers.

Shagnasty has also come up with a robot disguise, which explains the occasional squat seen in CC404 'blending seamlessly in with the locals', wrapped in tin foil and wearing the casing from a broken old television set on their head.

There is also a joker disguise which gets used from time to time to find out what's going on in Ace High. This consists of a battered old top hat with padding in it so that it fits a squats head, rather smaller than the head for which the hat was originally made; and also the bottom of an old cider bottle which gets used as a 'monocle'. It is unfortunate that this renders the squat virtually blind when wearing it. However to Shagnasty's great satisfaction, it seems to take the jokers in completely. The jokers in turn are happy to play along with a squat wearing this disguise. They like randomness and unpredictability, and they find the question 'What is this idiot going to do next?' one of the most unpredictable things that they've ever come across. Sometimes they take side bets on whether the squat is going to remember that he's pretending to be a joker or not at a given time.

Shagnasty has created more than just disguises; amongst the general Skronky spy kit are not just a parsnip false noses, but also a useful climbing tool for getting in high windows. This consists of a brick with a rope tied round it. The brick is thrown through the window, and the other end of the rope is held onto. The hope is that the brick will catch on the window frame, enabling the squat to climb up the rope and into the otherwise inaccessable window. Notice that this is not an incriminating item to have; if a squat spy is caught with this, then they can simply claim that they were on the way to help a friend build a house, thus averting any possible suspicion. Another piece of kit is a cider bottle filled with fuel taken from buses and Panthza tanks caught in the jungle. If caught in a tight spot then this can be used together with a cigarette lighter to produce a crude but effective flame thrower. Again if a squat is caught with this on them, then the interrogater will take a swig, be violently ill, and mistake it for a normal bottle of White Lightening cider. If the interrogater happens to be another squat, then they will probably just drink the lot down, again mistaking it for cider.

Rapscallion Montague-Smythe (The Squat Paladin)

Rapscallion grew up as a fairly typical squat round Squat Hole, spending his days fighting other squats, mugging contestants, and thieving req whereever it wasn't nailed to the floor, and in some cases where it was. This idylic life came to an abrupt halt one fateful day. It was at the time that monsters were first ganging up to invade outposts. The AiB clan had taken it upon themselves to defend Squat Hole and were trying to build barricades and other defences round the outpost. This met with some resistance from the squats, many of whom were convinced that the defences were being put there to defend the monsters against the squats rather than the other way round. The ruling Skronky tribe were, as always, paranoid about the McThugger tribe and saw in the AiB action a plot to attack the Skronky cigarette empire. It must be said in passing, that the Skronky's idea that AiB were controlled by the McThuggers is highly implausible.

In order to overcome squat resistance and facilitate defence building, the AiB fooled Rapscallion into thinking of himself as 'King of Squat Hole', and that it befitted a king to have a strong castle to reflect his glory. Big Su Skronky, fearing that some squats might get the wrong idea, decided to take decisive action to nip in the bud what she percieved to be a potential threat. Rapscallion was punished. After being expelled from the Skronky Pot Protector Society (See above under Mildew Skronky) he was pushed into a bath full of clean soapy water. Next he was used to help clear the minefield which had been set by the AiB, by the simple expediant of being driven across the mine field in order to trigger any traps which had been set. Finally Rapscallion was banished from Squat Hole and sent to fend for himself in the jungles of Improbable Island.

Living by himself in the jungle, Rapscallion had plenty of time to brood on the injustice of it all, and eventually fell to that rarest of squat activities, thinking. Thinking is always a dangerous thing for a squat to do, and Rapscallion was no exception. His brain overheated from the unaccustomed effort, and he started seeing himself as a paladin fighting injustice everywhere, defending the good and downtrodden (himself) against evil and oppression (everyone else). He met a creepy looking guy in a trench coat who blessed the kitchen knife that Rapscallion had been using as a weapon, turning it into a +1 short sword, which served to confirm his view of himself as a noble and holy warrior. Creeping into Capelthwaite's chapel in Improbable Central one night he stole a holy symbol to complete his costume.

Rapscallion still roams the jungles of Improbable Island asking anyone he meets "Greetings, good sir. May I ask, do you fight for the cause of Good?" before launching in to attack them, irrespective of any answer.

Outhouse O'Leary

Well known virtuoso fart horn performer. Outhouse can be found most evenings playing his farthorn in one or another of the many back street dives round Squat Hole, often accompianing the balladeer Mad Tony.

Outhouse has a hidden side to him. He also works for Wasp Skronky, and she considers him one of her top spies, supplying top quality information in short turn around times. In this capacity Outhouse puts his creative talents to good use and makes everything up. He is adept at working out just what it is that Nettle wants to hear, and feeding it back to her.

Scumbelly Perkins

Erstwhile bouncer at the Spiderkitty and now a Skronky miner, and member of the Union. In this capacity he acts as a spy for Wasp Skronky.

His back-to-front baseball cap covers a riot of ginger hair and his turquoise shell suit is covered with burn holes, as is the large gold coloured plastic medallion that he wears.

Talkydoor

Well known squat about town. Famous for, amongst other things, the invention of the 'Mudwank' cocktail, a popular drink for special occasions in Squat Hole. Also the originator of one of the questing songs about the Island. For more details, see here.

Tynan

Not a squat, but included as he is a well known face round Squat Hole. Being quite short, Tynan has something of a complex about his height, hence he bases himself in Squat Hole where he can tower over the squats. His gym is one of the few non-multioutpost business' in Squat Hole which isn't run by the Skronky family, instead it is under the 'protection' of the Squat Mafia. This is the source of much friction between the two gangs, and Tynan has shown good political skills walking a tight line between the two.

Sarky Williams

Cook at Kebabs & Shite. Sarky is a rather corpulent squat. Crumbs spill out of his mouth as he works, or erupt out as he talks to you. The only time you see him pause in stuffing something into his mouth is when he takes a drag from his cigarette.

Sarky trained at Maiko's Acadamy, and it's due to him that the food there isn't even worse than it is.

Russell

Transgender terpsichorean ecdysiast and disc jockey. He doesn't know what either term means, but he's got a great range in harnesses.

As a direct result of the fear he instills in mortal squat, he's the one many of the family members turn to to lend muscle to their endeavors. You know what muscle we mean.

More Info

There is much more information on Squat Hole and the squats available. For a list of documents, see Alexander Quandle's Squat Hole Project.

1) Do not call it a 'brothel' - the locals take the business of doing pleasure very seriously. They have been known to poke tourists who call it a 'brothel' repeatedly about the shins and ankles.
2) Cigs only, please.
3) y'know, like the flower
4) NB. We think this means travelers with a... "romantic preference" towards squats, but we're not sure. More on-site research is needed. Yeah, definitely more, um, research.
5) After all swamps are one thing, but boiling swamps..!
6) The year before she was beaten into second place by Obnoxious Harvey, who mysteriously disappeared shortly afterwards.
7) Cyril's writing is actually pretty poor - his spelling in particular is atrocious. However being able to write at all puts him head and shoulders above most other inhabitants of Squat Hole.
8) For example if a contestant in the jungle is trying to run away with their requisition instead of donating it to a worthy cause like the squat's beer fund.
 
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squat_hole.txt · Last modified: 2017/05/28 03:35 (external edit)