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 So I got beaten up by a kitten.
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CavemanJoe
 Tuesday, April 27 2010 @ 06:04 PM UTC (Read 5681 times)  
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There's a little grey juvenile cat, barely more than a kitten, hanging out around our neighbourhood. He's got a pretty nasty injury on his side, and needs to see a vet. We've been trying to catch him for the past week.

The little bastard's too clever to go in the traps we rented from the animal rescue league. His injury is a raw, infected hole the size of an old British penny - severe enough that grabbing him and putting him in a carrier will hurt him, hence the traps. It's also serious enough to most likely kill him if left untreated, and the traps weren't working, hence why this happened.

Yesterday I was outside smoking and saw my chance. He came right up to me, purring. The cat carrier was on the back porch. It was a lovely day, so I wasn't wearing my perennial biker jacket. A call for assistance would spook him, and he'd run. I had to be natural, and sneaky.

I knew that he was going to bite, and he was going to scratch, and without my jacket, it was going to suck. I picked him up - no problems. I approached the carrier - he wriggled. I scruffed him, and brought my forearm in front of his front paws so he couldn't brace himself against the sides of the carrier. I put him in the carrier, much to his protest, and very, very nearly got the door shut.

That's when he engaged his Super Special Cat Skill - the ability to bend space and time around himself and dig a pair of bloody ditches from my elbow to my thumb. A blink later and my other arm had his teeth inside. I knew that he was going to bite, and scratch, and that it would suck - and he bit, and he scratched, and it did in fact suck, but because I was prepared for it I managed to hold on. Then he somehow managed to get a tooth on either side of my left Achilles tendon, and ripped. That was when I screamed, and the cat turned into liquid with fur on the outside and springs on the inside, and my housemate Deanna came to investigate, and wherever I grabbed there was nothing but air and whispers of fur.

So there's me, having been thoroughly defeated by an injured juvenile cat, trying to stand up and failing, and asking Deanna if we had any hydrogen peroxide. I limped upstairs to meet Emily coming down. We had no peroxide - the best we had was soap and water and witchhazel. Deanna looked up what to do while Emily helped me clean myself up and survey the damage.

Whatever that cat had, I had it now. The cat hasn't shown any signs of rabies - but you can't screw around with that, it'll kill your ass dead if you give it half a chance. We don't know the cat, and we don't know what bit him to give him that injury. A trip to the Urgent Care clinic followed. The doctor took one look, asked us if we had the cat, and when we said we didn't, she sent us straight to the emergency room.

If you get worked over by an animal that even might have rabies, you'll have to have injections around all of the puncture wounds. They suck.

I was thoroughly surprised when the large-bore needle burrowing deep into in my Achilles' tendon area made me go crosseyed. It was the sort of white-hot spiking pain that you just can't shrug off, ignore, or take yourself away from - waaaay up there in the "Most painful experiences so far" tally.

When you have rabies injections, they'll use one great big needle (with a very, very broad tip - almost like a knitting needle) and just squirt in a little bit of the stuff at each injection site. At first I tried to distract myself by chatting with Emily and Deanna and counting the injections through gritted teeth. So, y'know, I could rack up Man Points by telling people I'd had eleventy million large-bore rabies injections and totally not even flinched, mate (while leaving out the part about getting my arse kicked by a kitten). When I got to twenty, and we were still on the left-hand side of my body, I gave up counting and asked instead if the doctor could change the needle for a fresh one, since this one was getting blunt and rather than sliding smoothly into my body, it was building up many newtons of unpleasant pressure before finally breaking through my skin with an audible "plurpt."

And that was when she told me that she'd got one cubic centimeter of solution into me so far. One cubic centimeter out of eight. I looked down at the worst bite mark on my left arm - the one where the mark continued around in an unbroken circle roughly the size of the cat's mouth (yeah, he'd given me a hickey too). It looked like a balloon was slowly being inflated inside, with thin red blood and vaccine solution sweating through the injection sites. I got the feeling that if I poked it with my thumb, a dozen little fountains would spring up all around it.

So, guys. The moral of the story is this:

When trying to get hold of a strange animal, for example to take it for vet treatment or to the Animal Rescue League, ALWAYS GET ARMOURED UP FIRST. Even if it's an emergency, even if you don't think you've got time before it runs off again, always wear protective gear or, better yet, ask the vet or your local shelter for some traps that you can set in your garden (assuming the animal in question isn't too bloody clever to fall for them). If you get bitten, you'll be in for a whole world of hurt that will go on for absolutely ages and really, really suck.

Also, don't get beaten up by a kitten. It'll continue sucking for a long, long time.


 
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Count Sessine
 Tuesday, April 27 2010 @ 06:19 PM UTC  
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Oh man. That super sucks.

...how are you even typing this? Why are you not flat on your back shaking for a week?


 
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Kash
 Tuesday, April 27 2010 @ 06:39 PM UTC  
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Don't think me heartless (because that would ruin my guise) but it has taken all of my acuity to remember that you are a real person in real pain and that I definitely should not laugh hysterically and show this story to everyone I can convince to read it.


 
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CavemanJoe
 Tuesday, April 27 2010 @ 07:59 PM UTC  
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Quote by: Kash

Don't think me heartless (because that would ruin my guise) but it has taken all of my acuity to remember that you are a real person in real pain and that I definitely should not laugh hysterically and show this story to everyone I can convince to read it.



Oh, by all means. Having a good chuckle at yerself is what us Brits do best. Smile


 
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Kash
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 03:11 AM UTC  
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Oh, I'm pretty good at it myself... it's just that sometimes I forget that other people might not like being laughed at so much as I do, so I try to keep it under control and double check myself.


 
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Ashtu
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 12:46 PM UTC  
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New monster suggestion: attack by CMJ's semi-feral cats and kittens!

I am SO going to submit this - as Ashtu the rabble rousing revolutionary, CMJ is the Watcher's flunky and strongman, so this will totally fit in - CMJ, watch the monster report!

BWAHAHAHA!!!

and yes, I laugh at myself first, so everybody else knows it's okay.
and yes, I have similar such scars. CMJ, is Paypal fixed yet?


Thank you.
 
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Adder Moray
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 03:08 PM UTC  
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...

Shouldn't have read that, empathy pain!


 
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Reverb
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 03:24 PM UTC  
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Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Rabid Humiliating Disembowlment Commiteh?

And, yeah, ouchies. Have Leo eat the wee'un!


"Censure acquits the Raven, but pursues the Dove." "So, that means i'm -always- innocent, right?"
 
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CavemanJoe
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 05:05 PM UTC  
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You also have to go for followup appointments at 3 days, 7 days, 14 days and 21 days (off the top of my head) after the bite.

They'll need to vary the injection sites.

Both my upper arms have already had the shots.

Today is the third day.

I just shaved my butt.

Yup.


 
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Hairy Mary
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 05:13 PM UTC  
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So... You've still got another set left to go after this?
*Tries hard not to imagine where.*


 
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g_rock
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 05:44 PM UTC  
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Quote by: CavemanJoe



I just shaved my butt.

Yup.



Ah, the classic Squat Hole marriage proposal...

Why did you move into the unhealthy-stray-cat-capitol of the known universe?


 
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Zolotisty
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 07:55 PM UTC  
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Quote by: g_rock

Quote by: CavemanJoe



I just shaved my butt.

Yup.



Ah, the classic Squat Hole marriage proposal...

Why did you move into the unhealthy-stray-cat-capitol of the known universe?



For LOVE, g! For love!


BARK BARK BARK.
 
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g_rock
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 08:36 PM UTC  
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Quote by: Zolotisty

Quote by: g_rock

Quote by: CavemanJoe



I just shaved my butt.

Yup.



Ah, the classic Squat Hole marriage proposal...

Why did you move into the unhealthy-stray-cat-capitol of the known universe?



For LOVE, g! For love!



Well, at least he's got someone to help shave his backside. That's nice.


 
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CavemanJoe
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 10:01 PM UTC  
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THEY INJECTED MY ARM

I SHAVED MY ASS FOR NOTHING


 
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Paul Lo
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 10:08 PM UTC  
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Quote by: CavemanJoe

THEY INJECTED MY ARM

I SHAVED MY ASS FOR NOTHING



Well, the bad is done(for now), but at least you saved (a minute amount of) your dignity.
Cats are predators. Blighted, cunning and diseased predators.

I like them so much.


Yes, I have a dream, of electronic sheeps and linen bedsheets. But that's not the point. Or isn't it?
 
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Chimental
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 10:25 PM UTC  
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Quote by: CavemanJoe

THEY INJECTED MY ARM

I SHAVED MY ASS FOR NOTHING



You're mad they didn't stick your ass full of needles? I'd be delighted if I thought I was going to get ass-shots and found out I'm getting them in the arm instead.


I make the many models of a mutant individual. To make them I use vegetables, animals, and minerals. From robot bugs to zombie bears to many singing barnacles.
 
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Skidge
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 10:50 PM UTC  
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*has a very, very straight face*

At least your behind is now baby-smoooooooooooth.

*is not giggling. Not. At. All.*


 
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Bakemaster
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 11:01 PM UTC  
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My version of this story is a lot simpler. The power was out; I was carrying our crazier cat downstairs; I misjudged where the last step was and lurched off the second-to-last-step in what was probably a somewhat disconcerting motion for the cat. I know this because it climbed from my front up around my neck and to the back of me in about three hundredths of a second, gouging the crap out of my torso in the process. Fortunately, it being ours and not a stray, I had no shots to get; but I did have some impressive Freddy Krueger-esque slashes in several places. This was in December, and I've still got the scars from the three deepest cuts, on the front of my shoulder above the armpit. I have to say, after all's said and done? They look kind of bad-ass. Just another chainsaw juggling accident, I tell people (along with the double burn scar on my hand from the wood-burning stove and the chunk I took out of my chin when I contracted a bad stomach flu, painted the entire bathroom in bile and passed out upon standing up).


Unofficial Improbable Island out-of-character chat is at irc.foonetic.net, channel #iisland - come on by!
 
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g_rock
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 11:01 PM UTC  
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Don't waste this opportunity! Go get a double cheek tattoo! (Sessine on one side, Zolotisty on the other, or the ModGoggles of Omniscient Might on one, the Banhammer on the other) Go to a Star Trek Convention and enter your posterior in a Cap'n Picard lookalike contest! Carpe Bottom!


 
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Jon Bishop
 Wednesday, April 28 2010 @ 11:38 PM UTC  
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This is why small mammals are to be feared. NONE OF YOU BELIEVED ME.


 
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