Winners of the Robot Contest announced!
Tuesday, June 10 2008 @ 01:55 PM UTC
The gallery is closed, the Robots are in, and it's time to decide upon a winner! It was a tough choice, but I hope a fair one (this is a lie). Read on to find out who finished on top!
As you may remember, the point of this contest was to dress up as a robot, hold a sign saying your player name so that we know it's not a fake, and take a picture.
First on the chopping block was Lyrith, who set the ball rolling and determined that this month's contest would be, once again, filled with cheaters. Well done Lyrith! I guess!
Velle stepped in with some PhotoShop action in the next entry, showing just enough of her (cute!) self to ensure notoriety on Teh Internets for years to come. The ridiculously OTT addition of jet engines to her Dalek chassis earned this entry a special place in my heart - if you're gonna cheat, cheat hard.
DutchDoor Lover took his CHEATING BASTARD entry to a more surreal and abstract level of cheating, submitting a picture of himself (we assume it's a picture of himself) that was actually dressed up as a pirate, not a robot. His hilariously oversized codpiece suffered quite badly with JPEG compression artefacts, and the unnatural curvature also conspired to make it look PhotoShopped. If you enlarge the picture, it becomes clear that what you thought was bad PhotoShopping was actually just the overlapping layers of red felt. It also becomes clear that you've spent far too much time staring at DutchDoor's codpiece. I feel that this was a deliberate plot on DutchDoor's part to make the Internet stare at his cock for extended periods. Truly, looking at DutchDoor's entry will make you gay.
Sorry DutchDoor, I'm spoken for - and despite your best efforts, I remain heterosexual.
Tigger wishes it to be known that he is one scary fucker. At this point, I was despairing of getting any submissions that weren't somehow cheating. The addition of a drop shadow and bevel/emboss effect to the "Tigger" text on Tigger's T-shirt makes his entry doubly special. At least this entry came with an interesting archeological backstory. BUT IT'S STILL CHEATING.
Hobo King of Toilettown is apparently making some sort of desktop-based game based on Improbable Island, and MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT use sprites from said game as his submission. How he managed to track down both Rhiannon and Jerkymaster to take pictures, I will never CHEATING BASTARD know.
Mister Rik decided that the only part of himself that was worthy of posting on the Internet was his face. Fear his face. FEAR IT.
Kakuzu, meanwhile, took the opposite approach. Note in his comments: "Not PhotoShopped." Indeed. He then proceeded to scream "IMMA CHARGIN MAH LASERRR!" after which he spunked positive ions all over the Enquirer. Apparently.
At this point, my brain was beginning to trickle out of my ears. It's a bloody good thing that Plaigan came along to show me a therapeutic cat picture, the Internet equivalent of a mug of hot chocolate and a "there, there, it's not so bad" hug. Good show, Plaigan - good show indeed. Even if you did CHEAT.
Fortified by Plaigan's entry and feeling more optimistic, I looked at Cookie Crumbs' picture that was full of win. Look at that tinfoil! That even looks like a circuit board of some sort, attached to the chest! Bloody hell, what a fantastic entry!
Unfortunately, there was no way to ascertain whether or not this wasn't just ganked off Google Image Search, due to the lack of signage and low resolution. This is a pity, because this is a bloody good effort.
I should probably point out that I was kinda in-between places to stay between Tigger and Cookie Crumbs' entries. Yes, I know, the glamorous world of game administration - well, to be truthful, I wasn't looking after the game because I was inhaling copious amounts of blow from between the buttocks of high-class prostitutes at the time. I just didn't have enough time to examine the entries in between lighting cigars from £50 notes and rolling naked in caviar purchased from your donations and advertising income. The fact that I was treating Cookie Crumbs' entry with a little more scrutiny than usual could be attributed to the horrible hangover I faced at the time, or it could be because it was the best entry yet and actually stood more than a snowball's chance in hell of winning - either way, my outlook had changed a little.
It was not, repeat NOT, because I'd been a smelly tramp living in a van for a week.
The somewhat-notorious Jerkymaster uploaded this entry, which left me speechless. Um. Moving on.
Continuing on the theme established by Jerkymaster, Snickerer submitted something in a similar vein but much more gooder. The attention to detail made this stand out - note the addition of an Improbable weapon, tinfoil, and even a name badge almost made me forget that the point of the contest was to DRESS UP LIKE A ROBOT, YOU DAMN DIRTY CHEATER. It's a good thing I remembered in time, or this would have won.
Haley thought that she could get away with not holding a sign by virtue of wearing a tinfoil bra. I am not so easily swayed, Haley - your photo, although awesome, suffers from the same problems as Cookie Crumbs' entry. Although the fact that you uploaded it in high-res does lend a little more credence to your claims that you did not, in fact, cheat. I'm quite tempted to give you the benefit of the doubt.
I very nearly dismissed Truly's entry as a shop-window mannequin, until I looked at the high-res version and realised that I was looking at a real person. Let's examine the points, shall we?
A real photo? Check.
Of a human being, not a cat or a toaster? Check.
Dressed up as a robot, not a pirate? Check.
Sign bearing the contestant's name? Check.
Sign bearing something robotty? Check, and in fucking BINARY no less.
Begins a binary conversation that actually stretches out the page so we have to scroll to see the picture? Check!
Video card strapped to chest? WOO HOO!
A tough contender indeed!
Moving on, before I over-exert myself praising this entry...
I have no fucking idea what's going on in this picture. Is this one of those "computer video games" that are so "in" with the "groovy young dudes" right now? Maybe HamOmlet can tell me.
YES YES YES YES YES! KBMan, you are full of awesome! Tinfoil, cardboard, interesting robot frame, wonderful! You only went to so much trouble because you knew Truly was gonna be hard to beat, didn't you? Well, it's a close call, I gotta tell ya...
Just to remind us that the spirit of the contest is in the cheating, Novium submitted her entry late, made up out of one of Improbable Island's own images and somebody's collarbone. And a Cyberman's head. Sorry, but you had a tough act to follow.
And now, to announce the winners. For dramatic effect, I'll space out these lines so you can imagine that I'm pulling these names out of a glittery envelope. Scroll down the page slowly, teasing yourself. Let each line appear with a delicious pause. Make a drum roll sound with your tongue. Put your eyes close to your monitor. Lick your lips and sweat. Take your hand out of your pants. That's going too far.
Without futher ado:
Honourable mentions go to Haley, Cookie Crumbs and Snickerer.
The three finalists are:
The second runner-up is...
First runner up is...
KBMAN which means that the winner of the May "Dress Up Like A Robot" competition is TRULY!
Truly walks away with a metric buttload of Donator Points for her troubles, and the other contestants get five hundred points each.
Join us in a few days when I figure out what the June competition's gonna be!