(back to Chapter Index)
Crazy Golf in the Bingo Hall
Non-stick Spandex jumps down the stairs, swinging her new driver, "heya everyone."
calliaphone watches Spandex depart, scratches her head in confusion, then heads into the kitchen to beg Bruce for some whitebait for Darren.
Non-stick Spandex swings over to Paul and gives him a brief smooch on the cheek. "welcome back, paul. you want to play crazy golf with us?"
Earth Mage Paul Lo whispers, "I'd prefer to be spectator."
calliaphone returns from the kitchen with a pail of whitebait. She is immediately mobbed by a hungry penguin, who chrrps at her relentlessly until the first fish drops into his open bill.
Merlin comes out of her room with ink spattered hands. "Stupid quill. . ." she grumbles and heads into the kitchen to find a clean towel. "Ah, hallo everyone." she calls.
Non-stick Spandex skips over to callia and smooches her on the cheek too. "come'on crazy golf! O. Hi Merlin. You like golf?"
Merlin returns less than successful, hands still stained with ink. "Um. . . I don't think I've ever played. Is it like croquet?" she asks .
calliaphone nods. "i think so. Bernard had a cricket bat."
Merlin frowns at Callia. "so it's like cricket then? Where are the wickets?"
calliaphone glances round the hall, at the damage done by Bernard's golf-ball - to her cart and the plaster mouldings. "errr. . .sort of everywhere, i think?"
Non-stick Spandex begins setting up a course. She pulls out the sofa from the wall and checks there are no obstacles underneath. Off come a few cushions, "we can use these as teeing grounds."
Non-stick Spandex bolts upstairs and runs down one of the long halls, then turns left 3 times. A cushion's thrown on the ground, doors are closed.
Earth Mage Paul Lo graciously takes cover in his fortress of soft solitude, still glancing at the golfer-wannabes.
Non-stick Spandex returns to the top of the stairs, and moves a large plant vase over, "k, so you'll have to bounce off the vase to get it down the stairs. Otherwise, you end up in one of the workshops."
calliaphone hasn't got a golf-club, but she does have a rifle. she up-ends it, and does some experiemental swings. then, quite uncharacteristically, she stops and empties the gun of tampax before continuing.
Merlin looks around at the damage. "Perhaps we should don appropriate headgear. Just in case. One moment." She heads down the corridor and opens several doors before coming to the one she wants.
Non-stick Spandex giggles, That'll do!" She's about to leave a series of bowls at the bottom of the stairs, and pauses, "HELL. balls? what we gonna use for balls?"
Merlin , after some loud thunks, returns with a fencing mask, a football helmet, and a hocky mask. As well as her croquet mallet. "Right then." She puts the fencing mask on and brandishes the mallet.
calliaphone tucks Darren safely into her cart, and pulls the library book over his head, to act as a shield. he chrrps, full and happy, and settles down for a nap.
Non-stick Spandex cackles loudy, "brilliant! can I have the football helmet?"
calliaphone backs away from Merlin, alarmed.
calliaphone fumbles at her bandolier. she produces a handful of grenades. "these any good for balls?"
Merlin nods. "Of course! Callia would you like the this one?" she holds out the hockey mask. "Just to be on the safe side."
calliaphone takes the hockey mask with a murmured "thanks" and stares at it. it looks, frankly, terrifying. she puts it on.
Non-stick Spandex pulls a whoomph out of her pack and tosses it in the air a couple of times. "a bit heavy, but ought to do it." she grabs a hand-turned wooden salad bowl.
Merlin isn't sure that'st he best idea. "But Dex, dear. . . won't it go off on impact?"
Non-stick Spandex .. and a couple of spoons and rigs up a sort of trap, with the bowl up-ended over the spoon. "k. we start way back in the halls, on the cushion. lowest number of shots to inside the bowl. wins."
Non-stick Spandex ands. . . "no other rules, but that no tackling." she giggles.
Merlin wacks away a gremlin with her mallet.
Non-stick Spandex thinks a bit on Merlin's question, "hrm.. aren't they safe unless you pull the pin? I'm falling on my ass on these things in my pack all the time."
calliaphone winces as the gremlin staggers off, concussed.
Earth Mage Paul Lo litteraly jumps out on the present prey, then slinks back into his nest.
calliaphone looks the other way, determinedly. It's nature it's nature, she tells herself.
Merlin nods slowly. "I. . . I suppose so. And those pins are pretty tricky to pull out anyway." she comes to a decision. "Right, ok then. Who's first?"
calliaphone says "shouldn't we toss a req first, to see who's batting and who's bowling?"
Non-stick Spandex giggles, "we're all batting!"
Non-stick Spandex then leans over at callia, wide-eyed for effect, "AT THE SAME TIME."
calliaphone pushes up her mask. it's hot under there. "eh?" she says.
Non-stick Spandex shoves on her mask and storms upstairs, "TALLY HO !"
Contender Ivan Zecat takes cover. But is too morbidly curious not to watch.
Merlin stands quietly for a moment. Then with a fierce yell she grabs the grenade from Dex and makes off for the starting point. 'ONWARD!"
Non-stick Spandex looks down at her empty hands, "YOU CANT STEAL. . . GET YOUR OWN BLOODY BALL" but then decides this adds a nice twist.
Non-stick Spandex peeks her head around the corner, "golf, ivan. tee's upstairs. straight, left,left, left."
Merlin didn't see that in the rules. She dashes for the start.
calliaphone trots after Dex and Merlin, still shaking her head confusedly. She attempts to juggle grenades as she goes, drops her rifle, trips over it and sends grenades rolling everywhere.
Non-stick Spandex makes it to the cushion first, and is doing her best golf pose; bum out, back stiff, one eye closed, eye on her target. She makes little practice swings with her driver, but has no ball.
calliaphone sighs, and gathers everything up again. Now, where did the others go?
Merlin arrives and waves her mallet threateningly. "Move villian!" she cries.
calliaphone has taken a wrong turn somewhere. she tries to backtrack, following the shrieks.
Non-stick Spandex giggles, and then narrows her eyes at Merlin, "there's not room enough in this town for the two of us!"
Non-stick Spandex licks her thumb and holds it out in front of her, testing wind conditions.
Merlin keeps one fist closed tight around the grenade. "I challege you to a duel! for freedom, glory and the right to bat first! HAVE AT THEE!" She lunges with the Mallet.
Jon Bishop steps into the halls, and hears shrieks. He bites his lip. Under attack? Pulling his shovel from his back, Jon prepares for the worst.
Non-stick Spandex laughs louder, "CALLLIIIAA!!" And then steps aside, with "of course, after you madam."
Merlin startled by this display of gentility, pauses and bows deeply. "Thank you my dear." She looks around. "Where did Callia go?" she shrugs and places the grenade on the cushion
Non-stick Spandex winks "just try to not be swinging as callia's rounding the corner, her noggin's like a missle-magnet."
Jon Bishop cautiously walks over to the stairs, searching for the source. He intently goes upward, now wondering why the hell he would go towards danger. At the top, he pauses. More quiet now.
Merlin nods. She aims and with lovely THWACK, the grenade careens down the hall. she grins, then turns to Dex and pulls a grenade from her satchel. "For you!"
calliaphone speeds up, trotting towards the yell. she's pretty sure she's in the wrong place though.
Non-stick Spandex takes the grenade, "why thank you. and I do say, you arrowed that, right down the hall!"
Jon Bishop continues ahead, now with the shovel lifted in the air. He's ready to bring it down upon the head of anything that may jump in front of him. He hears an echo to the left, so he makes the turn.
Non-stick Spandex places the grenade on the cushion, does some more golfposes and practice swings, Then bends over, picks it up, throws it in the air and swings her driver at it like a tennis serve.
Merlin blushes. "Posh. Nothing you can't do better, I suspect. Do go on." She moves to give Dex room.
Non-stick Spandex of course, completely misses, and has embedded her driver into the hall wall. The grenade falls on the cushion.
calliaphone hovers uncertainly, in the corridor. which way to go? she hears a noise behind her, and freezes. then slowly, slowly hefts the rifle.
Jon Bishop hears it! Right around the corner. Though he looks rather terrified, he quietly sneaks right behind the corner, shovel ready to strike.
Non-stick Spandex is pulling at the club and bitchin' about the lack of QUALITY at Sheila's. Finally, it's freed. She picks the grenade up again.
Non-stick Spandex yells as loud as she can, FORE!" and then repeats her earlier tennis serve. This time, it connects.
calliaphone edges along the wall, rifle butt raised, knees knocking.
Merlin cheers her on. "GO DEX!"
Non-stick Spandex watches the grenade sail down the hall, bounce off a door and rebound around a corner. "TAKE THAT!" she yells. "come on, Mer!" and sprints down after the grenade.
Jon Bishop twists around the corner, screaming. "DIE MONSTER!" He swings the shovel downward, smacking calliaphone in the head. Before realizing his mistake, he is slugged in the face with a grenade.
calliaphone uggghs and collapses on the spot, like a sack of potatoes.
Non-stick Spandex hears a CLANNNNNG and thinks she hit the GERM spittoon.
Earth Mage Paul Lo slinks further into the pile of cushions.
Jon Bishop falls immediately after calliaphone.
Merlin chases after Spandex, brandishing her mallet. "I'm coming!" she yells.
Non-stick Spandex almost falls over the two fallen. She inhales sharply, but sees the grenade, intact on the carpet.
Merlin doesn't have time to stop, however, and crashes into Dex. "WaH!"
Non-stick Spandex , hearing Merlin running behind her, scoops up the grenade and says to her competitors, "so THIS is how we're playing eh." She completes another toss'n-smack.
Non-stick Spandex then is tackled from behind.
Jon Bishop slowly fades back into conciousness, finding a grenade laying in front of his face. "Grrrrholy shit!" Stumbling on all fours, he charges away.
Merlin groans. "Sorry, Dex. But, at least we had helmets on!" She shakes her head to clear any cobwebs then notices the others. "Callia? JON? Where are you going??"
Non-stick Spandex would like it noted that both Callia and Jon failed to start from the TEE.
Jon Bishop looks back, still disoriented. "Merlin? B-but. . .grenade!" Charging back over, he attempts to kick to grenade away, but misses, landing flat on his back.
Non-stick Spandex rolls over and shakes callia a little. That's what people do to the unconscious, right? Shake 'em?
calliaphone stirs a little, and mumbles "owzzatt?"
Merlin shouts. "We didn't pull the pin! it's fine!" she looks back to Callia, concern on her face. "Is she ok? she had her helmet on. . . what happened?"
Jon Bishop lets out a sigh of relief. "Ah..oh. Okay." A quick wince as he looks over to Calliaphone. Perhaps the brain damage will make her forget that he caused it.
calliaphone 's hockey mask has slipped sideways a bit on her face. she plucks at it ineffectually, trying to get it off.
Jon Bishop thinks quickly, in high hopes. "She, uh. I saw her running though, and she went and bashed her head by accident. I. . .came over to help, and uh, got hit in the face by something."
Non-stick Spandex rubs callia's shoulder. "It's golf, Jon. Tee's back thataway. No rules but. . . she turns to Merlin, "NO TACKLING. Bowl at the bottom of the stairs is the target."
calliaphone gets the visor up, and looks at Jon. Her eyes widen and her hands go up in front of her face. "Don'tHitMe! PleaseDon'tHitMeAgain!" she begs.
Merlin looks apologetic. "Sorry. . . I couldn't stop." she turns to Callia, startled. "It's just Jon, dear. Are you sure your head's ok?"
calliaphone pulls herself up into a sitting position, making sure Merlin's between her and Bishop. "mhmm." she says, non-committaly.
Jon Bishop twitches. "I-I haven't done any hitting. . ."
calliaphone gives Bishop a look - half-dazed half-doubtful. She tugs off her hockey mask and massages her head. "Not any monster-stalking either, huh?"
Merlin frowns, then looks up at Bishop. "What happened again?"
calliaphone notices Bishop has a fairly impressive bruise on his own forehead. She compresses her lips. She's not the kind to take satisfaction in someone else's mishap . . . is she?
Non-stick Spandex leans against the hall wall, "well, it was my fault. my 'nade obviously clocked callia in the head."
Jon Bishop bites his fingernails for a brief moment, but quickly stops. "Your kidding, right?! There's no way in hell I'd go after a monster."
Merlin looks from Jon to Callia and back again. A look to Jon as if to say, we'll talk about this later, and then she bounds from the ground. "Right, well no serious harm done yes?"
Merlin holds her non-mallet wielding hand out to Callia. " Think you can stand up, dear?"
Non-stick Spandex lifts her eyes to Merlin, watching for anything that looks like she may take her next shot.
calliaphone nods, and takes Merlin's hand. She gets up slowly, but stays on her feet. "I think i should probly call it a night, y'know."
Jon Bishop grits his teeth, as Merlin's ability to tell if he is lying has increased very quickly.
Non-stick Spandex nods, "me too, actually. Let's take this outside soon, shall we? We can play on the courtyard outfront. Safer there."
Merlin frowns. "Are you sure you're alright, Callia?"
calliaphone nods a bit more firmly, then half-wishes she hadn't. "i'm fine. i'll be . . . i'm just gonna get some sleep, ok?"
Jon Bishop pauses in thought, then blurts out, "Wait! Isn't it bad to sleep after getting smashed in the head? I think I heard that once."
Merlin agrees. 'Yes, that's a good idea Dex." She smiles at Callia. "Good idea. Go past the kitchen and get an ice pack on your way, ok?"
Non-stick Spandex frowns with worry, "come on, callia, I'll help you downstairs. I'm making cocoa too." She looks at Jon's face again, "you don't look so great either. best get ice as well."
calliaphone gives Bishop a please don't make this worse i just wanna sleeeep look, and mumbles "ok" to Merlin.
Non-stick Spandex holds her elbow out, if callia wants to take it?
calliaphone grabs Spandex's elbow with one hand, and her rifle with the other.
Merlin calls out, "Goodnight you two. See you tomorrow." She sighs and takes off her fencing mask.
Non-stick Spandex walks them downstairs, rolling a grenade with her driver along the way. It PLONKS onto the bowl.
Jon Bishop lifts a guilty hand. "B-bye."
Merlin heads back down the hall and returns some moments later with a cushion. She looks up at Bishop. "Would you care to take a walk?"
Jon Bishop is fairly certain he's in trouble. "I-uh. Uh. Okay."
Non-stick Spandex sits callia down on the sofa, and then goes to make cocoa. She's giggling still, a bit.
Merlin leads Jon downstairs where she discards the cushion, mallet and mask in her room. She waves to Callia and Spandex, and she and Jon walk out of the hall.
Jon Bishop glances over to the two with a save me expression before exiting.
calliaphone curls up on the sofa to sleep, resolutely not noticing any anguished save me expressions in the vicinity.
(back to Chapter Index)
(forward to Next Chapter)