Enquirer Home Page | Twitter | Back to Improbable Island

Black Jacques Chirac (Dread Pirate)

Black Jacques Chirac was a pirate who washed up on the Island one day in Season Two. It took him a while to find his Island legs, but once he did, he settled into his role with gusto.

He's been every race on the Island, but has been Midjit for the longest. In this form he is 2'5" tall, very quick, sickeningly strong, wrinkled, ugly, offensive, smelly, illiterate, and a proud flaunter of Nekkidness. Sings - atonally and screechingly - sea shanties. Dances - spastically and unpleasantly - Midjit Jigs.

Sometimes he is a Joker. In this form he is short for the race, 5'4" tall, and has the requisite green eyes and stupid-looking top hat. None of those fancy-pants Victorian clothes, though. Sometimes he has a blazer from a Minister of Silly Walks or a hipster he killed, but he typically dresses only in Sheila's gear. He wonders where other Islanders get all their colorful clothes, and why they don't get destroyed in combat. He plays with a deck of Cards that have very Improbable results for whoever turns one over.

Having been one and the other of these two races for so long, he is is now something of a "Midgokert," either a Joker that talks and scratches arse like a Midjit, or a Midjit with a Joker-like fondness for playing with people's lives. In any form, he is impulsive, rash, intolerant of Tough Guys and Hard Men, and a decent enough bloke to have about if you don't mind listening to him belch the alphabet while drinking Skronky soup and peeing in the Garden pond.

Is most proud of: His two Rank 7 Drive Kills. Boo-yah, mofos! He wears a crude medallion, made from Moose dog tags, on which CLUB SEVEN has been carved. He has given similar medallions to all the others he has encountered who have bested the drive at Rank Seven. The ever-growing list is on his Bio.

Is followed around nearly everywhere by Sergeant McQuackers, a duck Jess gave him. It wears an olive green army jacket with three stripes at the wing.

Is married to Genevieve! Who is awesomely smart, energetic, funny, and lovely! They will pillage you so bad! On his left hand is a simple gold ring.

His buccaneers are under his buccan hat.

A few highlights of his island career
  • Visited every outpost, twice, as a Rookie
  • Married Emily, but was sadly cuckolded, the naive bastard
  • Gave Alpha and his Mass Chimental a new member, a highly Improbable scarab beetle
  • Was turned into a piece of toast by one of his own Joker cards
  • Cursed Ebenezer with a demonic shoulder-hand, which was later removed by KK Victoria through brute force
  • Tutored Genevieve in Pirate ways, which led to her formation of the Jackalope crew
  • Started recognizing those who completed a Rank Seven kill by giving them medallions carved with the words CLUB SEVEN
  • Got married to Genevieve on the spot, with no discussion or invitations
Jacques' lists of things pirates Like and Don't Like

THINGS PIRATES LIKE (dictated to a quivering Insurance Salesman before his unfortunate murder)

  • rum
  • wenches
  • grog
  • pillaging
  • boats
  • tossin' lubbers over the sides o' boats
  • whippin' captives with the Cat
  • monkeys
  • monkeys wearin' shirts an' drinkin' rum - too funny!
  • black flags with skulls an' that on 'em
  • fightin'
  • servants with overflowin' flagons o' grog
  • gold an' money
  • sharks


  • Navy bastiches
  • ninjas
  • vampires
  • Sherpas
  • people wi' wings an' that
  • drownin'
  • this lubber says I might say scurvy but what does he know, the bilge rat squab? Maybe pirates likes havin' bleedin' gums an' that
  • there bein' no grog at the pub
  • that's all I can think of now
  • oh God, this tiny maniac is going to kill me! Please someone, whoever reads this tell my family that Iiyyarrrghhkkklgk
Logged in as: Guest (Guest)
dread_pirate_black_jacques_chirac.txt · Last modified: 2017/05/28 03:35 (external edit)