So. A particularly lonely contestant rescues a duck from Saucy's Kitchen on impulse. This contestant used to be a businessman. He's certainly not a vegetarian. He just misses his wife and kids, and he can't relate to any of the other contestants. Everyone, it seems, reminds him of seedy fetish sites on the Internet. He becomes fast friends with the duck, and carries it with him everywhere. He feels there's a tiny glimmer of understanding and compassion in its beady duck eyes, and he vows more than once to bring the duck home to meet his family.
The contestant and the duck spend a harrowing month together in the Jungle before succumbing to a Giant Goldfish Cracker. The contestant finds himself on a dock to board the Failboat. Approaching the Retraining Officer in charge of seeing people onto the boat, he says, 'Two express passes, please. One for me, and one for the duck.'
The officer says, 'I can't give your duck a pass. It isn't an official contestant, and frankly, your dossier says you've been depressing viewers.'
The contestant says, 'But this is my duck.'
The Retraining Officer remains indifferent.
The contestant acquiesces after another few moments of arguing. He circles to the end of the line, unzips his pants, situates a suddenly unhappy duck in there, and rezips his pants. The line seems endless. The duck is Furious. Finally, he comes face to face with the Retraining Officer, who gives him a placid look. After giving him some grief for not updating his race forms, the officer lets him onto the boat.
The contestant settles near to some drowsing Kittymorphs. The nearest looks up, eyes glinting with sudden interest. The duck emotes with as much horror as it can manage, lacking complex vocal chords and facial muscles. The contestant notices, and fumbles with his pants to free the duck. The remaining Kittymorphs shift to full awareness.
With little orchestration or forethought, they pounce on the contestant and the duck and tear them both to shreds. The contestant's corpse is thoughtfully recycled as fodder for the monsters that live in the cages below, as the Watcher is very concerned about ocean dumping. The duck is sent to Saucy's Kitchen.
You were expecting a punchline?1)
You rascally optimist, you.