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From The Improbable Traveler's Guide to Improbable Travel, Season 1 Edition:

Field Guide to Recognizing Contestants

That Annoying Epaphus

General Background

A minor contestant - the founder of Clan QQQ and not worth much attention otherwise. He1) had the dubious distinction of being the first contestant to hit Level 15 and complete a DriveKill in Season One, a fact which he never lets anyone forget. He was also briefly married to Count of Saint Germain at the beginning of Season One2), though that marriage was quickly annulled and the two claim to be 'just friends.'3)

He was promoted to Moderator status during Season 1. This has generally been considered to be a mistake ever since, but at the time the Watcher was looking for a plot twist, and no one expected this one.


Often encountered in NewHome, Improbable Central, Kittania, and Cyber City 404 - and of course on the Failboat - Epaphus typically exhibits three types of behaviors4)5):

  • Answering newbies' questions6) with varying levels of truth, shameless lies, and sarcasm, sometimes even giving the newest newbies spontaneous gifts to help them get started in the game.7)
  • Making random statements that are only sometimes connected to ongoing conversations or recent events.
  • Pouncing contestants in PvP matches and beating the stuffing out of them.8)

Distinctive Markings

None known,9) but he is usually armed.10)

1) Well, we think he is a 'he.' It's hard to tell on the Internet sometimes, and Caveman Joe has not yet required contestants to provide proof of gender. Or proof of maturity either, since that would remove about 97% of the Island's population. Whew!
2) Reportedly for the purpose of 'testing' the marriage function.
3) The rumor that Epaphus is currently shacked up with Foilwench is believed to be a lie, one started by Foilwench to disguise the fact that she lives alone with a whole lotta cats. Not that we have anything against cats - we just don't like Foilwench because she refuses to reveal the location of the fabled 90KV Stun Gun of Eternal Killing in the Jungle northwest of AceHigh. Epaphus has commented on this only to say that Foilwench can kiss whomever she wants at the Kissing Booth in Common Ground.
4) Notice he spelled this without the 'u' that Caveman Joe likes so much. This suggests that Epaphus comes from a place where Real English is spoken.
5) Aaah, bollocks.
6) As with the Wiki of Lies, the veracity of what he says may be open to some debate. Epaphus can lie with the best of them - and often does.
7) This is usually seen as a tactic intended to lure the newbie into a false sense of security.
8) Bring yourself to his attention at your own risk. He does not take part in the campaign against the Newbie Menace but he does love a little PvP action once in a while.
9) At least, none that he will admit.
10) And annoying - wow, can he be annoying. There's nothing worse than a really annoying, heavily armed contestant. Just writing this entry makes me want to go kick his ass in a PvP fight. I'm going to head over to Kittania right now and wait for him to show up, and then I'm gonna poke him repeatedly in the tender spots his armor doesn't cover with my Grannie's Knitting Needles.
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epaphus.txt · Last modified: 2017/05/28 03:35 (external edit)