Enquirer Home Page | Twitter | Back to Improbable Island

From The Improbable Island Contestant's Survival Guide, Season 2 Edition.


Your implant is that big, thing built into your body in awkward places1). It provides you with additional capabilities - and you're definitely going to need those on the Island.

Implants are free to all contestants, and can be removed at any contestants request2). Get your implants at the Implant Hut in any outpost! Just look for the hut that says "IMPLANTS."

Newbie Implants

New contestants ('newbies') can request one of two types of implants:

  • N-221(C) Brain Chemistry Regulator (COMBAT-TUNED): Known colloquially as "Chemical Pack." An implant that injects chemicals into the contestant's bloodstream for various affects - stronger attack, stronger defense, or regeneration.3) The regulator charges up faster while you are injured.4)
  • JAMESON SA-232 IC for Spatial Awareness: This implant enhances the contestant's senses, allowing improved searches for requisition coins after a fight. More experienced contestants can employ it for enhanced physical effects.
  • UPALLNITE(TM) Sleep Suppression System: Makes it so you can stand on your legs longer without passing out. Increases the green part of the stamina bar.

More Experienced Player Implants

Rumor has it that after killing the Improbability Drive twice, the contestant will be offered a choice of additional types of implants, and more implant types become available as the number of drive kills increases. At this time, the following implants are rumored to be available for more experienced contestants:

  • LS-989-440 Skull-Mountable Semiconductor Laser (Skull-Mounted Laser): An implant that fires an energy beam that can be used to aid in targeting or to burn an opponent to a crisp from a safe distance away. It can also burn the heck out of the newbie, though, so it should be used with caution.5)
  • MightyMito (TM) Neural Implant (Mitochondrial Acceleration)6): This implant will allow the contestant to exert cellular-level bodily control. It can be used to grow a spontaneous mustache,7) make one's hide tougher, or accelerate cellular regeneration.
  • PherLure (TM) Pheromone Injections (Pheromone Injection Pack)8): Need more charm? This pack is just the ticket. It increases the contestant's pheromone production, causing a number of distracting emotional reactions in opponents.9) It temporarily gives the contestant a number of Kittymorph-like advantages in a fight.
  • SERVOTUDE(TM) Combat Servo System (Servo Arms): Unlike the other skull-based implants, this one is bolted onto the contestant's spine. It adds an additional set of mechanical arms that can be used for offensive or defensive maneuvers.10)11)12)13)
  • TeleSwift (TM) Neural Implant (Telekinesis)14): This particularly useful implant allows the contestant to perform mind-over-matter feats, ranging from low-level stunts like deflecting damage, to paralyzing an opponent, to causing an opponent to explode into flames.15)
  • PathComms (TM) Neural Implant (Telepathy)16): This implant can be used to toy with an opponent's mind, from causing pangs of guilt, to agonizing headaches. More experienced contestants can use this implant to control jungle animals around them and summon packs of squirrels from the trees to fight on their behalf.17)
  • LITTLEHEAD(TM), BY SMARTYPANTS(TM) (Littlehead): This one goes in your pubic area! It helps you be smarter. It gives you a boost in experience points that you use to level up.18)
  • BLOCKHEAD(TM) REVISION 2 (Blockhead): Makes building things that much easier for you. Want a house? It'll take 30% work with this implant![Citation needed]
  • TESLA FRAME (Tesla Frame): Based on the theories of noted 'mad scientist' Nikola Tesla,19) the creator of alternating electric current, this implant offers a particularly devastating attack. It is implanted under the contestant's skin, with hundreds of little metal spikes protruding from the epidermis about an inch apart. Yes, the contestant resembles Pinhead from a certain movie franchise,20) but it produces a series of powerful electric zaps that can render an opponent slightly crispy.21)
  • Improbability Shard22): This 'implant' is actually a shard from the Improbability Drive that got caught in your head the last time you destroyed it. The shard provides several effects which have been poorly documented as yet23) but are believed to be similar to the improbable magical effects used by Jokers.

Implant Hints

  • Keep a piece of lead pipe on your person at all times.
  • If your implant shorts out, you're doomed. You are therefore advised to avoid bathing at all costs.
  • More specific descriptions can be found in the catalogs inside the Implant Hut.
1) Warranty void if seal is tampered with. No user-serviceable parts inside.
2) Any resulting 'oozing holes' are strictly the contestant's fault.
3) This is a particularly useful implant for Robots and Gobots, who cannot be healed by normal means, since it allows them to speed up their natural regeneration.
4) This makes it a poor fit for contestants in powerful clans. Or not.
5) When the battery burns out, just get a different implant. You'll be tired of it, anyway.
6) Lies.
7) Always fun at parties and quite amusing to jungle monsters too. Sure, they'll still kill you, but they'll be laughing while they do it. Everyone enjoys a good laugh now and then.
8) More lies.
9) Note: The management of Improbable Island is not responsible for the actions of monsters under the influence of this implant. Contestants are urged to employ informed consent and always use a condom. Condoms are available from the Trading Posts in most Outposts.
10) Contestants can also use it to scratch their own backs, but we shall not discuss such immodest behavior in this guide.
11) Unlocked at 3 DKs.
12) Actually unlocked it at 2 DKs
13) Battery is recharged when you level up. If you're lucky.
14) Liar liar, pants on fire.
15) Also fun at parties, provided it is not used near the bar. Remember: Most alcoholic drinks are highly flammable.
16) Blasphemy.
17) Surprisingly, this one is not much fun at parties. Those darned squirrels eat all the bean dip.
18) Yes, the description makes it seem like it gives skill experience, but I have tested this shit. IT DOESN'T
19) Contrary to rumor, Tesla was not the first scientist to be infused with improbability. No, he was just plain weird.
20) We cannot name this franchise because of copyright concerns, but it rhymes with 'Bellraiser.'
21) Early usage reports suggest this implant has significant bugs, so contestants are advised to proceed with caution. Oh, and wear rubber-soled boots to prevent self-electrocution. Tesla himself wore boots of his own invention with thick rubber soles, making him also the creator of the platform shoe. Consider yourself warned.
22) Would be true if it weren't a lie.
23) Hey, I just now started test-driving one. Gimme some time to see what it does.
Logged in as: Guest (Guest)
implants.txt · Last modified: 2017/05/28 03:35 (external edit)