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Nocturnal Submissions, aka Harpo's Book Club and Sundry

Salutations! I'm Harpo1) and I petitioned the good editors of the Enquirer for a column on the various and sundry books of the Island. Now I know there aren't too many, but I have found a few, and I'm sure the kind readers of this newspaper would be willing to loan me more for a review or two.

Harpo is definitely an authority on all things book related, and will tolerate no back-talk or questions, comments or queries.

Review: Nothing Rhymes with Orange

Socially Appropriate Times to Pelt Flesh Contestants with Oranges by Unit XJ-5, designation: Terrence

Robots cannot write decent memoirs or fiction of any kind. That said, they are remarkably good at writing workbooks and how-to guides. Witness the ever popular History of the Octahedron2)

Unit XJ-5, henceforth known as Terrence, writes a concise if rather confusing 'novel'3) about Oranges.

An excerpt from the section entitled, Initiating the Act of Orange Pelting:

  • Find a Flesh Contestant. Ask them how their day has been. Flesh Contestants frequently respond to stimulus that allows them to elaborate on their feelings and emotions.
  • Nod when they pause. Make noises that approximate an affirmative. (See appendix C-52 for exact instructions on the wavelength and duration of 'affirmative' sound waves).
  • When they finish (which may be many cycles) ask them to be your friend. It is socially inappropriate for beings not designated as 'friends' to engage in the act of Orange Pelting, no matter what the situation.

Oddly enough, probably the best reading material in the novel is the list of socially Inappropriate times (and places) to pelt Flesh Contestants with Oranges. The writer can only imagine how humourous those attempts were. 4)

  • During an Outpost Breach (though AceHigh is a notable exception).
  • While Flesh Contestants are engaging in the act of removing skin cells, dirt and blood from the external epidermis.
  • While they are engaged in the act of tea.
  • While sleeping.
  • While they attempt futilely to produce biological offspring through coupling.
  • Swimming.
  • Directly after a Flesh Contestant has exited the Brothel.
  • Anywhere in SquatHole.

This list goes on for eighteen pages.

The Verdict:

Dry. Recommended to Robots only5).

Unit XJ-5 can be contacted for a copy of his book if you speak to Keetan in the Glass and Mirror, then wait patiently for exactly 1 day. Listen to three jokes, pay for a Robot to have an Ultraviolet Spa Day, count to three hundred and Terrence might find you.6)

-R. Harpo7)

**Editor's Note**

In Sparkill buried lies that man of mark,

Who brought the Obelisk to Central Park,

Redoubtable Commander H.H. Gorringe,

Whose name supplies the long-sought Rhyme for "orange."8)

Review: Tuesday Loins, a brick to remember

Stuff What Happened Last Tuesday, and on Previous and Subsequent Tuesdays by Full Metal Loin

While sitting in my favorite book haunt9), I heard a muffled yell and a crash. Deciding to investigate, I ventured forth to see what was what. Imagine my surprise when I found a book attached to a brick in the debris of broken window, mutton and mullions. Unwilling to ignore such a strange arrival, I detached it from its rather heavy mode of transportation, read the attached note10), and cracked the spine.

And whose smiling face should greet me but the thoughtful visage of the one, the only, (thank the gods) Full Metal Loin?

Well naturally I had to read it, and armed with a red pen (he's known for his terrible spelling and grammar, I shudder to think who edits his work11)) I began immediately.

Sadly, I was rather disappointed by the contents. Apparently the interesting things that have happened to Mr. Loin have only occurred on Tuesdays. This wouldn't surprise me, being as I live on the Island with you lot (and odd things happen every Portugal or so) however I'm mystified as to how Mr. Loin can tell which day it is at all.

This esteemed paper (to my knowledge, our only paper) never sees fit to print the date, and sometimes if there is something resembling a date, it appears to be from the distant past (bringing up all sorts of questions involving tea, time travel, and whales).

Right, on to the review.

It's rubbish, don't read it.12)

And a question for my colleague, will you sell me the timepiece that you have that tells you the date?

Full Metal Loin's tale of Tuesdays has (supposedly) already won many shiny things, such as the New Berry prize for Neobotany, the Pull-It-Sir Prize for making things up, and the Nobel Prize for including a lot of gratuitous explosions.

-R. Harpo

More articles to come after people submit books to be reviewed here.

1) Marx?
2) That is, if you can find a copy. It's rumoured that Ebenezer has them all hidden somewhere in his warehouse.
3) While the author is open-minded, they find that a book of lists and instructions feels more like 'a series of lists and instructions' rather than a 'novel'.
4) And somewhat perversely, the author hopes that somewhere out there, there is a montage sequence for our viewers at home depicting every single time our friend Terrence attempted an Orange Pelting, only to discover that *ahem* it was not desired.
5) and possibly those of you who really don't understand the vagaries of flesh contestant interaction. I'm looking at you Maniak.
6) This is all heresay of course. Don't come whining to me if it doesn't work. You have to believe!
7) Thanks to Harris for submitting the title, Escemfer for seconding it and providing the Octahedron title.
8) Link provided by Omega: Guiterman, Arthur - 1936
9) Though I will rarely begin a book review on a personal note, the arrival of my first galley was so unusual I find I have to mention it.
10) The note read, "If you review this book, you'll get your column."
12) Although I will profess I have a fondness for the Tuesday tale involving a Lion and a rap battle. I'm sure it was a sight to behold (if indeed it did occur, which I have sincere doubts about since I've never seen an Island Lion speak).
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nocturnal_submissions.txt · Last modified: 2017/05/28 03:35 (external edit)