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On Her Skronkyness' Secret Service

Big Su Skronky has been thinking. Improbable Island is being filmed and televised. There are a lot of people watching, and doubtless they keep a particular eye on Big Su herself. As a role model, or at the very least picking up tips on how to be a successful business squat.

Big Su Skronky realises that she must have quite a following out there. A fan base. They must all be wanting Big Su merchandise, obviously. There's recker to be made here, and Big Su isn't making it. This lamentable state of affairs must change.

Big Su Skronky finds the nearest camera, faces it squarely then clears her throat and puts on her best voice. "Ahem. Oi wud loik tu annunce un uxcitin nu duvulupmunt. Thu Big Su Skronky Fun Club! Sund uz 50 recker und yu cun be purt uv ut!"

Big Su Skronky continues "Fur unuvur 40 recker, juz 40 recker! yu cun by yur vury un uld cun uv Wanker uz drunk wiv moi vury un muth! Fur yu tu kep! Uvur murchun...marchan...fings tu buy uz oi cum up wiv um! Fur 100 recker oil sez yur nem, loiv un thu show!"

Big Su Skronky is satisfied with her sales pitch. Now she just has to sit back and wait - the recker should come rolling in. Pleased with her work she goes off to check up on how Booz is fairing.

Time Passes

Big Su Skronky is baffled. She advertised the news about the new Big Su Skronky Fan Club several hours ago, plenty of time for folk to post in all their recker for the exclusive Big Su merchandise, but no! There's been nothing!

Big Su Skronky has gone in and checked with Cludgie Cheeseman in the Comms Tent several times - not a squeak! This is puzzling. What can have happened to all the fan club recker that she's meant to be getting by now?

Big Su Skronky stops in mid-stride as the obvious answer suddenly strikes her. Skulduggery is afoot. All Big Su's recker is being diverted in the Comms Tent and sent elsewhere! What other explanation could there possibly be? She turns round and strides straight to see Cludgie Cheeseman once more.

Cludgie Cheeseman looks up as Su strides in and groans internally. This is the fifth time that she's been in in the last twenty minutes, asking about mail for the Big Su Skronky Fan Club. There hasn't been any mail, and that hasn't changed in the last two minutes. None of the meetings have been to Cludgie's liking, and there's no reason to suppose that this will be any better.

Big Su Skronky shouts "Oi! Wurz moi recker!" confirming Cludgie's fears. He has no memory of owing any recker, but here in Squat Hole, finding yourself unexpectedly in debt to the Skronkys is not an uncommon experience.

Big Su Skronky screams "Moi fun club rucker! Wot yu bin doin wiv ut?" "Wot?" "Moi fun club recker yu dick'ead! Wur uz ut?" "Wot fackin fun club recker? Wot yu un abut?" "Ul thu recker fur thu Big Su Skronky Fun Club. Dunt pluy stoopud wiv uz!"

Cludgie Cheeseman unwisely attempts to defend himself. "Uf oi ud yur ruckur, du yu fink oid be in ere? Oid be dun in Booz! Oood stuy un ere uf thuy ud ruckur?" He soon pays the price. "Oiya! Ouch! Oi dunt uv... OWWWWWWWW"

Big Su Skronky rants on and Cludgie gets more and more confused, as well as hit, for some while before Su finally decides that the Comms Tent officer really doesn't know anything about it. Hmm. The situation is more complex than she thought.

Big Su Skronky has realised that somebody must have infiltrated the Comms Tent and is secretly directing things from the inside. But who? Almost certainly the McThuggers. Who else? But how? That's the question. Su needs more information before she can act.

Big Su Skronky strides off to find Wasp Skronky, the Skronkys' spy master. This is a job for her and her organisation.

Time Passes

It is lateish evening and Squat Hole is quiet. In this outpost the party starts at midnight, the time all the squats who have been failboated in various punch ups throughout the day get kicked off the failboat and are eager to get going.

Now however, there are few squats around. Nobody then, to see a dark shadowy figure sidle down Toss Pot Lane, the muddy sewer which runs down behind ShopLiftin' Avenue, Innit. Nobody to see said figure creep up to a certain window.

Nobody to hear a somewhat anguished sounding bray, and crucially, nobody to investigate what said figure is up to.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs comes riding down the lane. Not on his normal mount, Dog the doggymorph, but on a zombie donkey. He stops just across from the Comms tent back window and dismounts.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs wants to climb in through the back window of the Communications Tent. The Comms Tent people aren't daft however. They've put the window quite high enough to be out of reach, almost four feet off the ground. Very clever. But they haven't reckoned with good old fashioned squat ingenuity.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has not come unprepared. He has been supplied with a secret agents tool kit. This includes a piece of rope with a brick tied to one end. Biggs can throw the brick through the window, hoping that it will catch and hold.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs can then climb up the rope through the window. All very simple, yet, if anybody had been around and begun to ask awkward questions about this item, Biggs can simply claim that he was on his way round to help a friend build a house, thus averting all possible suspicion.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has been given another piece of kit by "S", the Skronky spy network's gadget squat. This is an old cider bottle filled with petrol. When used in conjunction with his lighter, this provides a crude yet effective flame thrower.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs' mount is also special. He is not riding just any old zombie donkey. For this job he has been given one of the Skronkys' fleet of turbo-charged zombie donkeys.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs knows that this beast has spent the last fortnight or longer on an exclusive diet of month old brussel sprouts and now has flatulance both chronic and extreme, a carefully planned occurance.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs, should he find himself in a tight corner with a need for speed, need only hold his lighter to his mount's rear end, and he will be out of there at high velocity. This feature can of course also double as a weapon to discourage pursuit.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is ready to roll. He takes out his brick-on-a-rope, and steadying himself, slings it up at the window. First time a miss. It bounces off the canvas of the tent and hits Biggs on the head.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs uses some colourful language, then catches himself and glances about, but nobody seems to have noticed his presence and he can carry on. He tries again. This time his aim is true and the brick goes sailing through the window.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs remembers too late that he was meant to hold on to the other end of the rope. What now? Biggs is a resourceful squat; that is why he is chosen by "W" for jobs like this. He drags the zonkey over beneath the window and climbs up onto its back.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs can and does go from this vantage point through the window and into the Comms Tent, where it is currently pitch black. He starts to grope about in the dark for a...CLANG!!!

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has trodden on a strategically placed man trap. Squat trap. Man trap for squats. Whatever. Feeling threatened, he pulls out his cider bottle flamethrower and lights it, spreading the flames wide.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs: "Oh shit!" as he looks around and the flames grow higher, realising the mistake that he has made. He is back up and out of the window fast.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has got the wrong window. In the dark twisty Toss Pot Lane it is easy to get confused as to your whereabouts, and Biggs has accidentally entered and set fire to K'n'S. Once out of the window he is straight onto his turbo-charged zonkey.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs uses this fact, and a lighter to make good his escape. K'n'S is a Skronky owned establishment, and they will not best be pleased to find him burning it down. He is soon going at record breaking speed down the Lane, and out onto Brawlin' Street Like.

The expression on the face of the zonkey is...well indescribable is too easy a cop out, so instead let's just say that an artist with a peculiarly unpleasant mind who is watching the show is thus inspired to create a whole new Hideo-Vomit art movement.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs is not seated as securely on the zonkey as he might ideally like. He starts to slip backwards down the beast's back as it gallops full pelt down Brawlin' Street, a blue flame a foot long issuing forth from it's arse, a little like a meteor.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs grasps onto the zonkey's back for dear recker as it careers down the street but this does nothing to stop him slipping further back over his mount's withers until his knackers are directly over the steed's 'jet propulsion system'.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs has particularly hirsuit testicles and they provide great wicks for the flickering blue fire that licks his nether regions. Catching fire, they add a unique "fizzing" effect to the spectacle, not to mention an aroma to remember.

Secret Agent 002 Cantankerous Biggs had particularly hirsuit testicles, although this is historical by the time he speeds out of the Manky Rusted gates, waking up Scabrous Baker and Mordacious Young who happen to be on guard duty, and who now have a real live halloween tale to tell.

More stories from Squat Hole can be found here.

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