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The Squat Hole Telephone Service

In Booz

Cantankerous Biggs is sitting having a drink with Shagnasty McAlistair, the Skronky's "gadget man". Shagnasty has had an idea. Wondering how the comms tent worked, he noticed that it seems to consist of something that is spoken into together with some connection out.

Cantankerous Biggs listens as Shagnasty explains how he tried replicating this effect with a few old cider cans and a piece of string, and, if stretched tight, it works! This could be used to set up a telephone system round the Hole.

Chlamydia Skronky has been listening in from the bar and is intrigued! She can see potential in the idea. "Oi Shagnasty! Owsabut yer sut wun uv thum fings up ere?" "Wull oi cud, oid need thu cider cans thu, und sum elp loik..."

Thus was the day that the squats came to remember as Thu Invunshun uv thu Telefun. Blythly forgetting that they themselves had been attempting to mug contestants for their phones for some years, with a marked lack of success.

In Squat Hole

Dogend Skronky, Danny Skronky and Shagnasty McAlistair arrive in town to start setting up Shagnasty's latest genius invention. The tin can and string telephone. It is often suspected that Dogend does nothing, and gets Danny to do all the work. Not at all.

Dogend Skronky does some vital work drinking all the cider to obtain the cans. This is important work, not just any old can will do. Dogend has to work through quite a lot of cans to get "Jus thu roit cun" a surprising amount of cans seem to be unsuitable.

Dogend Skronky finds all sorts of flaws, invisible to anyone else. Good job that they've got such an expert on the subject to hand. Meanwhile, Shagnasty directs Danny in the putting up of the cans and string. Chlamydia in Booz will get one end.

Corporal Jolene looks at the proccess, fascinated.

Sewage Skronky, "The Dogmother" will get the other end. Soon the 'phone' is in place, and works! But not for long. Scumbelly Perkins comes reeling out of Booz, five sheets to the wind, and gets caught up in the string. "Oiya ya facker, wot tha fack's apnin?"

Technical Sergeant thewonderllama wanders into Squat Hole in search of more booze. He puzzles at the squats being...industrious?

Dogend Skronky gives Scumbelly a good kicking for getting in the way, but Shagnasty has a flash of brilliance. Put the string higher up! So that folk can walk underneath it. True genius.

Dogend Skronky proudly watches. Yet another example of how clever squats are. Meanwhile, Danny is directed to put the string up again. This time a good three feet above the ground. Well over anybody's head.

Dogend Skronky has another can or two, or three, of cider to celebrate Improbable Island's first ever telephone system.

A Short While Later, Still in Squat Hole

Chlamydia Skronky is not pleased. Ever since the new phone has been installed, Sewage has done nothing but phone her up to give what she calls "woiz udvois und goidunce" what many observers would call "verbal abuse" and what Chlamydia calls "fackin earache innit?"

Chlamydia Skronky gives voice to her displeasure. "Ere, wot yu avin a go ut uz ul thu time?"

Sewage Skronky "Utz gud fer buznuz innit? Avin uxpurt udvice loik. Yuv gut much mur recker cumin in since we gut thus new fun in avent uz?" in reality nothing of the sort has happened in the hour since it was installed, but Su is convinced that it must have.

Chlamydia Skronky, instead of trying to refute this, takes a more indirect approach to getting Su off her back. "Ere, wot abut Julia? Why dunt yer fun er? Or Mildew in tha Pot?"

Sewage Skronky pauses. That's a good point. "Yer, yur roit. Oi cud elp thum oot uz well." She slams down the can on the table and goes off in search of Dogend and Shagnasty.

Dogend Skronky and Danny Skronky and Shagnasty McAlistair are busy squats. Dogend is busy drinking more cider, and Shagnasty is busy directing Danny in putting up the new phone lines. One from Su to Julia's, and one to the Skronky Pot. Also one to Kebabs 'N' Shite.

Dogend Skronky watches Shagnasty pause. This last is something of a problem. It goes round a corner. This makes voice transmission a problem. However, if Su shouts loud enough, and she will, then something can be heard at the other end. That will be enough.

Sewage Skronky is delighted with her new phones. She can shout at and abuse the different corners of her empire, all at the same time. It has other advantages as well. Every squat in Squat Hole can see the phone lines coming out of her office.

Sewage Skronky is now very visibly a Very Important Squat, one with all the very latest technology. There's a lot of prestige involved. You don't get to be head of Squat Hole's leading business family by ignoring things like that.

Felony Skronky comes into town from the Skronky mines where raw baccy ore is mined. She sees squats gawping at all the phone lines coming out of Su's office and realises straight away that they're important. She must have some too.

Dogend Skronky, Danny, and Shagnasty are back at work again. Dogend drinking, Shagnasty directing, Danny doing. There is a new problem. To get from Felony to pretty much anywhere at all requires going round several corners.

Chlamydia Skronky can't hear Felony, even when she's shouting as loud as she can. This suits Chlamydia fine. But Felony is deluding herself that she's got something important to say. The situation is not good.

Dogend and Danny Skronky watch as Shagnasty applies his mighty engineering genius to the problem. A solution is soon found. Trap a rat inside the can. The squeaking of the rat, especially if poked with something sharp, amplifies Felony's voice, enabling noise to be heard.

Felony Skronky is very pleased with the solution. True, nobody has a clue what she's shouting at them about, but this is a minor point. She can shout at various members of the Skronky tribe as well as Su can. And more importantly, all the phone lines coming out of her home look good.

Danny Skronky now has to try and catch enough rats to fill the phones. It might be imagined that rats are a natural resource that Squat Hole is particularly rich in. This may have been true once upon a time. Now things are different.

Ever since Impudencia Skronky started paying two req a piece for crap meat at K'N'S, the rat population has gone into a marked decline, and now they are hard to find. Danny certainly can't find enough. This is a poser.

Dogend Skronky knows that he'll be in trouble if the phones aren't made. There's only one thing for it. He starts offering three req for any live rat brought to him. Squat Hole is soon alive with squats hunting for this new found source of wealth.

Cantankerous Biggs is amongst the squats who use the initiative and resourcefulness that squats believe themselves to be famous for. He brings a dead skunk. It is rejected. Scumbelly Perkins comes bringing Ratpiss Jenkins blind drunk in a rat suit.

Dogend Skronky rejects this too. He also ignores budget horses, half bricks and other such items that get brought for sale. However, there are soon enough rats to fill all the phones.

Felony Skronky now has plenty of phones and phone lines. More than Su in fact. This pleases Felony, but not Su. Now she needs more phone lines as well. Soon there is a game of My Dad's Bigger Than Your Dad being played out. Who has most phone lines?

Sewage Skronky soon has lines going to every business in Squat Hole. So does Felony. Felony puts in lines going to random homes, walls and rusted out cars. So does Su. Lines are being put in anywhere they can be installed, Asbo Riley who was sleeping off a hangover in a rusted out old car is rudely awakened by having a phone line nailed to his head.

Sewage and Felony Skronky keep putting in more and more phone lines. Any idea of using them to transmit noise, let alone information, long since forgotten. Soon Squat Hole is criss crossed with dirty muddy strings, all much the same colour as the rest of the Hole.

Squat Hole is now even more of a hazard for the non-squat races than normal. Anyone trying to walk down Brawlin' Street is now liable to get caught up in a web of string. Then beaten up for "vunduloisin thu funs". Then have there wallet stolen.

For more stories of Squat Hole life, see here.

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squathole_telephones.txt · Last modified: 2017/05/28 03:34 (external edit)