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The Jackalope

The Crew


The Dread Pirate Black Jacques Chirac

  • Position: Captain/Founder
  • Also Known As: Sir.
  • Frequently looks like:


Pirate Queen Carlynne

  • Position: First Mate/Founder/Queen/Leader
  • Also Known As: Your Highness, Her Royal Highness Carlynne Queen of Pirates, Carl, Car, AAAAGH NO MY LEG.
  • Frequently looks like:


  • Position: Boatswain/Leader
  • Also Known As: Stinker, Stinkarse, Tinkas, Tinky, Pretty Princess.
  • Frequently looks like:


  • Position: Quartermaster/Officer
  • Also Known As: Bendy
  • Frequently looks like: A knob.


  • Position: Chief Cannoneer/Leader
  • Also Known As: ... Kew?
  • Frequently looks like:


  • Position: Record Keeper/Officer
  • Also Known As: Spinner
  • Frequently looks like:


  • Position: Head Medic/Officer
  • Also Known As: Tubes
  • Frequently looks like: The one with the eye patch.


  • Position: Enforcer
  • Also Known As: Shartface
  • Frequently looks like: A wee punch-drunk fucker.


  • Position: Lookout
  • Also Known As: Mr.Buttons
  • Frequently looks like: A cat in a hat.


  • Position: Gunner
  • Also Known As: Gak
  • Frequently looks like: Someone who should get back in the kitchen.

Asa Comeno

  • Position: Swashbuckler
  • Also Known As: Arsea, Arseface, Prettyboy, Blondie.
  • Frequently looks like:


Deity of Choice

  • Position: Bilge Rat
  • Also Known As: Dirt
  • Frequently looks like:



  • Position: Scaglywag
  • Also Known As: Git
  • Frequently looks like: a git.

Liz Carlson

  • Position: Scaglywag
  • Also Known As: SoCo.
  • Frequently looks like: Scowling.

Ian Grimsallow

  • Position: Scourge
  • Also Known As: that goose guy.
  • Frequently looks like: a fuckin' goose.


  • Position: Brawler
  • Also Known As: Popsicle 1)
  • Frequently looks like: A dangerous bastard.


  • Position: Cook
  • Also Known As: Chai
  • Frequently looks like: That's a good question.


  • Position: Hardly-Gurdy
  • Also Known As: Sassylad
  • Frequently looks like: Someone took the piss on him.


  • Position: Bedwarmer
  • Also Known As: Dowel, Dowel Rod, Bean Pole
  • Frequently Looks Like: He's waggling his eyebrows.

Alabandical Hopkins

  • Position: Schlepper
  • Also Known As: "Yee thar, garl!"
  • Frequently looks like: She's stealing something


  • Position: Wendybird
  • Also Known As: Admiral 2)
  • Frequently looks like:



  • Position: Seamstressor
  • Also Known As: Pretty Bird
  • Frequently looks like: Fabulous


CADs are non-clan Crew who still serve on The Jackalope without being in PRAT


  • Position: Cooper
  • Also Known As: Merc

Teh Dave

  • Position: Engineer
  • Also Known As: Teh and Dave separately.


  • Position: Galley Swab/Concubine
  • Also Known As: Esc


  • Position: Architectural Assistant 3)
  • Also Known As: Ricewad


  • Position: Cook
  • Also Known As: Adorable.


  • Position: Hostage Holder
  • Also Known As: Sparky


  • Position: Booziere
  • Also Known As: Very Dangerous.

Available Positions

Should you have a hankering for the open seas, The Jackalope is always hoping to take on crew.

  • Navigator:
  • Master Baiter:
  • Lore Locker:
  • Cannoneer:
  • Surgeon:
  • Carpenter:
  • Lackey 4):
  • Master Bait:
  • Obedidunce:
  • Pict:

Position Descriptions

Captain: The Head Honcho, Big Cheese, and all around in-charge kind of guy. If he tells you to do something, you do it. You don't earn the position of Captain, you live it. Jacques, the man who started it all, lives it well, boldly, and loudly. Its easy to forget Jacques is in charge, with Carlynne usually coordinating everything. But nothing gets done without his approval. He also gets the biggest cut of treasure, so that's a major perk to being the boss.

First Mate: Sometimes it doesn't hurt to be able to read and write... and sleep with the Captain. This particular First Mate is a double entendre, after her lessons in Pirating from Jacques himself, her literacy and personality allowed the Crew to first take shape. As First Mate, she's in charge of payroll, inventory, planning, and other Crew logistics.

Boatswain: Boatswains are like First Mates, only they don't have to deal with any of that accounting crap. Boatswains are more responsible for crew interactions, making sure everyone is happy and getting along relatively well. To become a boatswain you have to show off some leadership skills, as well as interpersonal skills. You should also be pretty damned tough. It's a harsh world, Pirate leadership.

Quartermaster: Discipline is an important part of keeping a stable crew, and that's what Quartermasters do. Someone out of line? Quartermasters put them back in said line. Usually with some kind of force. Flogging force. To become a Quartermaster you really have to care about the crew. You should also be very, very strong. No one will take you seriously if you've barely got any muscle on you. Or Drive Kills.

Navigator: The Navigator has to have a good sense of direction and be able to take orders well. It is the Navigator's job to make sure the ship can maneuver through a storm, a rocky bay, or a bunch of circling sharks. A bright head should rest on the Navigator's shoulders. And a bold one, too.

Master Baiter: This title goes to persons of a certain alluring charm, people with that... jenaysayqwoah. People who attract other people. People who dangle themselves like bait and capture new Crewmembers and concubines like moths to flame. A master at this. A Master Baiter. You've got to be quite the example of Pirate-ness to achieve this position, and you've got to have presence. Dangle away!

Gunner: If your best friend is your firearm, Gunner may be a position to consider. Gunners like to shoot. The don't just like it, in fact, they love it. They love it so much they've honed their shooting skills into a state close to perfection. To earn this spot you've got to have demonstrable prowess with a gun of any kind. It helps to be tough, too. The more kills you have with your gun, the easier it is to assume you know how to use it.

Cannoneer: BOOM. Ah, cannons. The sound of the black powder igniting. The horrifying whistle of a cannon ball flying through the air. That is the ballad of the Cannoneer. If you like breaking shit with an excessive amount of force, then you'd like being a Cannoneer. To become a Cannoneer you have to show off some knowledge of cannons or other flinging machines. It helps to be a bit badass and a lot insane.

Lookout: Afraid of heights? Don't be a lookout. No, seriously. Lookouts have to be able to nimbly climb the rigging in varying degrees of haste, maneuvering to the Crow's Nest at the top of the Main Mast. The lookout needs to be an athletic person with some excellent climbing skills. The lookout should also have good vision, spyglass or no.

Engineer: A position now with much more meaning, the Engineer helps with those fiddly little programming bits, and other such technical hodgepodge, that the ship and crew require. A tinkering hand and intelligent mind is needed for this position, as well as some kind of technical understanding. And a bit of insanity, that too.

Cook: That smell in the Galley? That's the Cook's work. Fortunately Pirates aren't a picky bunch. Like to cook? Good. Good at cooking? Even better. Shit at cooking but like making people eat it? Probably what's going to happen anyway. Your HoF record on Cooking would be helpful in earning this position, but showing any passion for the act could land you it anyway. Did I mention they're not picky?

Surgeon: More a glorified butcher, really, the Surgeon is here to patch up your major wounds. Gangrenous limb? CHOP. Major burn? CHOP. Paper cut on your little finger? CHOP. The faint of heart weren't meant for this job. Nor the weak of stomach. Some affinity for the well-being of your Crewmates is needed to hold this position. Genuine caring, even. Blech.

Medic: For your less-serious boo-boos, the Medic is here. Usually needed with a much greater frequency, the Medic tends to things from foot fungus to paper cuts. Because you really don't want to go to the Surgeon for paper cuts. Not after that one time. Care about other's well-beings? Want to hack apart a cadaver one day? Medic is a good job.

Cooper: Coopers are a helpful sort, they make barrels to store things in. Want to do something with your hands? Want to put things into other things? Somewhat organized? Perhaps consider becoming a Cooper. If you've got a decent carpentry skill and truly do love making things with your hands, you could easily earn this position.

Carpenter: If you care about the integrity of the hull of the Jackalope then you probably already have this job. Carpenters are like Medics for the ship, in charge of repairing hull breaches and other such things. Fixing the mast after a battle, patching up holes rent from cannon fire. If you're carpentry skill is pretty high, and you really do care about the Jackalope for more than her crew, I'd consider this position.

Record Keeper: Like an adventuring journalist, the Record Keeper makes note of the events of raids, the persons and treasures captured, and the casualties lost. It is important to be literate to have this job. If you can't write, you certainly can't keep records of any kind. As Record Keeper, you're essential to the activities of Raids. You've got to be present for as many of them as you can, taking notes. Though not a requirement, a good story is what creates a good legend, a good legend is what makes us scary. When we're scary, raiding is that much easier. Write a story, make us richer. You don't have to be strong to be Record Keeper, but you've got to be smart.

Lore Locker: Working closely with the Record Keeper, the Lore Locker applies well-known mythology and folktales to the actions we preform, taking our story from Legendary to Godly. Like Encyclopedia Atlantica, you know a lot about nothing particularly useful but boy you can spin a good yarn and make it sound legitimate.

Hostage Holder: Well, you've worked so hard in all this raiding, and now you've got this pile of living people you don't know what to do with. That's where the Hostage Holder steps in. They'll tie up all the people worth any kind of ransom, and abscond with them back to the ship. Hostage Holders are flogging experts, having to frequently beat their charges into submission. Frequently they like it (The hostages, even!). This place is earned by showing any kind of prowess in the realm of kidnapping other people and bringing them to the ship.

Swashbuckler: Sword at your hip and adventure in your heart, you're truly a Swashbuckler. Passionate for all things long and sharp, you wield your sword as an extension of yourself, not as a tool to be used in some kind of impromptu surgery. If you have all the bravado of an action-movie star, with none of the dead fathers and six-fingered men, you're as good as gold. It helps to be able to prove your swordsmanship by actually using one, mind.

Brawler: You've cracked more skulls with your knuckles than you've cracked your knuckles in general. Fist fighting is your fancy, and you're damn good at it, too. Now, you're probably thinking "Man, don't all Pirates brawl?" Yes, they do. But if we were putting a bet on someone, it'd be this brawler.

Enforcer: Considered to be the Quartermaster's apprentice, the Enforcer keeps people in line before any word needs to be sent to the top. This person has shown a genuine interest in the Crew's behavior before any request for such a thing was made. Really, you take a certain pleasure and kicking people back to work. You're proud of your Crew, and of your Clan, you like to keep its reputation clean. That's all you need to be an Enforcer. Well, that and a kick-ass attitude.

Obedidunce: What separates the men from the boys, usually how far their balls have dropped. What separates the Obedidunce from the Lackeys? Sheer lack of intelligence. If you're an Obedidunce, you're only one step up from a pet dog in that you're probably not a dog. You do what you're told not because you love being bossed around, but because you're too stupid to figure out how to say "no, I won't put my fist in that alligator, thank you." You don't earn this position, you were born into it.

Scaglywag: Yes, it sounds silly. It sounds like one of those stupid pokeymon things you've probably seen around Kittania. It's not, though. It is a combination of two words of profound meaning: Scag, and Scallywag. The essence of scag, the sleazeball, the manipulator, the asshat. The essence of scallywag, the playful, the rakish, the fun. The two elements combine to create one twisty little bastard. And that is you. You're essentially a lackey, but are put on the occasional infiltration mission. Like a greasy Pirate spy.

Scourge: Every seven seas needs a Scourge, there's a chance we'll need more than one. Like the title suggests, you're an instrument of misery. But you do not hold a whip, no, your tongue is your weapon of choice. Scourges are the masters of insults, witty wordsmiths, and cunning linguists. A quick mind and deft tongue are all that's needed to become a Scourge.

Bedwarmer: That should probably be self-explanatory, but I'll elaborate regardless: You warm beds. As in, you sleep with people. Sometimes it is specific people, mostly it is everyone. This is how we keep the Crew focused, clear their heads, and stuff. Wink wink, nudge nudge. This position is essentially equal to Lackey (who warm beds, too) just with a title. Y'know, so you can be proud of it.

Pict: You've got to be able to draw if you want this position. You can't be shy of needles, or blood, or hepatitis. No, you're not a surgeon, I've written that one already. You're the Pict, and you do tattoos to mark on flesh the voyages of the Pirates. When you've not got living flesh to doodle on, you're expected to help draw out maps with the Navigator.

Hardly-Gurdy: You're no American Idol5), but you're very good at making noises from your face, or instruments, or other people. You've either got a voice or a farthorn, some sense of rhythm and rhyme, and you can come up with lyrical genius on the fly. You're the life of a party and the drum before the battle. Works with the Lore Locker to ensure each song is legendary.

Lackey: Lackeys are the backbone of the crew. They get shit done. Without the Lackeys, nothing would ever happen. Raids? None. Treasure? Not nearly as much. Fun? Nonexistent. Lackeys range in skills, but are usually jacks-of-all-trades, not yet committed to a certain thing. Lackeys are easily promoted to more appropriate ranks as their skills blossom. Everyone loves a Lackey.

Schlepper: You're the one that carries treasure. All lackeys carry it, you see, but only the Schlepper actually brings it to its hiding place. Don't worry... You're not too likely to get executed after your job is done. Other than that, though, you perform all the other duties of Lackeys.

Galley Swab: Things to have: A sense of cleanliness. Things not to have: A sense of smell. The Galley Swab is a Lackey with only one task: Clean the Galley, and keep it clean. Working closely with the Cooks, the Galley Swab does the dishes, peels potatoes, and keeps the roaches and rodents out of the salted meats, dried fruits, and grains. And everywhere else. . . hopefully.

Booziere: A unique position requiring a unique set of skills. Skill one: The ability to distill alcohol. Skill two: Having a fantastic set of bazongas. Knockers. Funbags. Sweater Pillows. Ta-tas alright? You've got to have a nice rack. Best way to serve alcohol is from a chest-warmed flask.

Master Bait: You couldn't be further from the Master Baiter when you're Master Bait. You're literally bait. You're the bait, nothing clever about it, nothing smart. You're bait and you're so good at it you're the master of being bait. Hope you don't mind getting dirty!

Bilge Rat: You siphon shit from the bilges. Sucks to be you.

Wendybird: You clean, you cook, you have a mean right hook. Just like the original.

Seamstressor: You are the tailor for the entire crew. This means you're in charge of creating any sort of garment they can come up with, and responsible for any disguises that need making.

FOPs: Friends Of Prat

Ebenezer, for accounting purposes. And as a concubine.

Maniak, for probably giving us more than he should.

Howard Millipond, for making a bitchin' cappuccino. The glorified Coffee Machine.

R.P. Whistle, for running with the pack, drinking meemosahs, and scheming.

Cadance, for naked chocolate wrestling Felicia, not dying, then having a good chuckle about it.

Shi, for reasons unknown to everyone but Carlynne.

Trowa, for taking a punch. And a donkey punch.

Raids And Events

The Pirates are a rather active group of individuals, so all the recorded footage has been offloaded to another location, here: Pirate Stories and other such nonsense

All the old raids are listed here now as well.

The Navy

As deemed by Carlynne, the new Navy is operated by the clan ETC.

To her knowledge, these are the new members:

  • Admiral: Darling
  • Commodore: Mango

Terrifying things from behind the fourth wall

1) Feel free to ask him why
2) We remember
3) This is total bullshit, Carlynne just wanted him as a CAD for some reason.
4) any number
5) whatever that is
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the_queen_s_pirates.txt · Last modified: 2018/07/10 03:35 by Kew