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 Sunday, June 11 2017 @ 05:09 AM UTC (Read 1294 times)  
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Registered: 01/10/13
Posts: 58

So I have a bit of a confession to make. And I think a bit of apology:

I don't think it's been any secret that I've been more frustrated than normal lately. I play a couple of characters on II. Mostly Denealus and Peach Schnapps. And I feel like I've been, well, more of a jerk than I'm used to.

Honestly, I haven't been feeling the Island much lately. I've been logging in, but it's kind of lost its magic. I've thought of quitting multiple times. I feel out of place and so do my characters. I sit in banter and see cliques that I'm not a part of. I make comments and get ignored. And generally, I log on because, well, it's what I've always done. For a lot of years so far.

And it's hard, seeing other people having fun, in their ingroups, and being ignored. In a community you've been a part of for a long while. Feeling the butt of people's jokes or dismissed or outright ignored. And I've been feeling it happening a lot. And I think with it, I've felt some twinge of jealousy. But honestly, the more I think about it, maybe there's some things that other people are doing, but I can't expect other people to really know that I feel that way. Unless I kind of put it out there. And part of that is something that I've kind of done to myself. Expecting things a certain way. Expecting people to know when I'm getting bothered. Or feeling left out. Or invisible. And...well...jealous. Of other people's interactions that I'm not a part of. And that's not fair to anyone to have to put up with. Hence the need for apology.

So I've started a journal for myself: https://tirihac.dreamwidth.org/. I don't expect anyone here will necessarily read it. Or expect people to. But it's something that I do hope will help people who get too much in their heads. And maybe it's a little bit of interest for other people. Or maybe people will just read it and be one, then done. That's up to them. But I did want to share that and get it off my chest.

I'm hoping this is a start of a change for me. It's a confession of sorts, but I think a good one. A sign that I can open up a little and not have to worry so much about things. I'm also looking to be more involved. As I can. But not as someone who wants to be what other people are. But myself again. If that takes logging off the Island and finding something different to do, so be it. But I'm hoping it's a start.

And to anyone who I've offended by my behavior these past couple of months, I'm sorry. My stress levels have been through the roof but typing this post. It's freeing in a way. And a hopeful sign.

Thanks for reading.

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